Moving Forward

I had writer’s block. Stupid writer’s block! Many times I’m unsure of where things fall into place for me and writing helps to focus my thoughts and inject into others what God has put in my spirit. There are also times when nothing comes to me. The thoughts are there but are none too focused or, as of yet, unperceived in the focus. And, that is where I sit now. My thoughts are raging but I have no real focus to get those thoughts together. Stupid writer’s block.

Sometimes you just have to take a step forward. Whether that step is a big step or a small step, it’s forward motion. The steps that you found so hard to take get easier after that. So I took the first step to getting past the block, I started writing. I stared at this blank page and typed what I saw and what I felt in my head.

The genius of things that are difficult is the ability of those situations to help you redefine what you are. They test us and require us to do things that we’ve never done to achieve a specified goal. Either you have the tenacity to continue to press through the difficulty or you don’t. There are things that can hinder you, distract you, or send you into a tailspin because they’re not going the way you intended. Its times like those that you have to focus, dig your heels in and press to take that next step. Then after that step, you take another one. The steps get easier after that. Once the fear of taking that first step is lifted, all things are possible.

I remember being afraid to move forward. I had a wonderful relationship that went bad and I was afraid to move forward thinking that I would never be able to find a man as amazing as he was. How could I? He was and still is one in a million and he set the standard so high that no one was able to reach it. However, I had to move past the past. I had to take the steps necessary to heal. The first step of letting go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through but I did it. My Pastor says, “When the pain of staying the same is more than the pain of change, you’ll change.” I had to change…

It reminds me of pushing a car that for one reason or another isn’t running. You try to get it started but it won’t run for you. You finally give up, turn the key to the on position, throw it in neutral, let someone else steer if possible, and push as hard as you can to get it rolling to where you need it to get to until it can be repaired. After that first push to get it rolling, the pushing gets much easier. The most effort is spent to get it moving from a standstill. Nine times out of ten, the pushing once it’s rolling isn’t as laborious as at the start.

More times than I can count, I’ve had to step outside of myself to heal some things and keep moving forward. I’ve had that stall happen to me and I couldn’t seem to get myself started again. My personal repairs, band-aids, or fix-it’s didn’t work and I had no other alternative than to step outside of the problem and push past it. I was afraid sometimes to even try to start because who knew what could happen? Would I be able to push past it, what was it going to cost me to fix this problem, and would it even be repairable? That fear would quickly negate my need to get past the problem. It would render me so blind to anything other than the problem that I couldn’t see that all I had to do was step outside and push. I had to learn to counteract the fear or I would always focus on the problem as opposed to the solution.

Somewhere along my life, I’ve learned one of my most personal and valuable lessons: If it can’t kill you, what are you afraid of? Most fears are based in a fear of death. Once you learn that it can’t kill you, you stop being afraid. Moving forward wasn’t going to kill me so I stopped being afraid. I finally started to push and shockingly enough, the pushing wasn’t as bad as my fear had made it to be.

To keep moving forward after pain, is difficult but, all growth is. You have to make the decision to keep living or let yourself be suspended by problems that just need a push to get them moving again. Don’t let fear freeze you and arrest your future. Just get out and push. Once you’ve started pushing and the pushing suddenly becomes easier, don’t be shocked. God has stepped in and picked up that weight for you. You only have to trust Him and make the first step. Fear and faith can’t occupy the same space at the same time. You have to choose which one will occupy your space. I guess you already know what my choice was.

I’m still afraid of spiders, though. They’re creepy…

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Theze Rightz Be Rezerved

Tonda and the Stripper

Tonda and the Stripper

Yeah, he’s a dancer. I seem to be meeting a lot of them since joining Facebook. I’m on a first name basis with at least 5 of them, nowadays. They promote their shows and have the girls blushing at what they do on stage, make them giggle when they show them any personal attention, and have most of these women thinking rather dirty thoughts. I don’t go to strip shows because of my commitment to God. I don’t go to clubs at all anymore so promotion efforts are wasted on me but they’re sweet guys that ask for prayers and encouragement.

I was outside of all the girly giggly patter. After, having had a model for a boyfriend, I was privy to a lot of ways women act when they see attractive men. It’s needless to say that they were a lot of times, very blunt with what they envision with these eye-catching men. Then, just like now, I stand outside of that throng of women and just observe. At least until I got a message from one such gentleman that I didn’t know.

He asked me to add him and I asked who he was. In hindsight, for my own promotional purposes, I probably should have just added him and not thought about it but something about him gave me pause. From that, we started carrying on a conversation through messages. I teased him, made jokes, and asked questions. I’m not sure what lead me but I didn’t even look at his pictures until halfway during this conversation. I’m generally curious about people so I asked a lot of questions that he very sweetly answered. I was impressed that he didn’t seem to be bothered by all my personal inquiries but he did mention that he was a personal kind of guy. It didn’t dawn on me that he was a dancer until he said the word “perform”. The light went on then… (DUH!! LOL)

My belief system and just my general need to please God stop me from stepping into anything outside of friendship with him but I like his personality. My curiosity is peaked because I really would like to know what kind of person he is. Not in any “trying to holla at you” kind of way but just in a “hey, this person is cool” way. He makes me want to know what he thinks. What made him go into this line of work? How does it affect his relationships? What are his goals? Does he plan on doing this forever?

I’ve realized that people are people. It takes a multitude to make the world what it is. I don’t judge him at all. It’s not my place but it did bring some shocking things into light for me. How many women of God who aren’t really women of God would have immediately disregarded him or treated him badly in front of church members but would have been stuffing his string later? But I digress…

Knowing how women react to men who look like he does, who’s going to be the standout to him? Who’s the difference? I guess that my concern is that I don’t want to be one of his fans. Maybe all women feel that way. They all want to be special and not a part of the masses of women overcome by lust. If I’m put into any category, I want to be a friend. Someone he can call when he needs to talk or pray. Yeah, strippers pray. He can take off all of his cool with me, keep his clothes on, and I’ll still appreciate him for who he is.

Under all the layers, or lack of layers, as it were, he’s still a person. It’s his job to sell a fantasy. The fantasy he creates is not what he is and, through our conversation, I understand that he really is NOT his job. So, I’m going to stay his friend, cook for him, invite him to church with me, and try my best to avoid those green eyes of his. They really could be a woman’s undoing…


©SugarFace, Inc.
Theze Rightz Be Rezerved

You called me a what?

You called me a what????

It took me a while. I mean, it seriously took me a while for the whole concept to sink in! I am not what people call me! Seems simple, right? Most concepts seem that way. Hence the quote, "Easier said than done". This quote epitomized the main reason that it took so long for it to sink in for me.

I had a situation that confused me. It confused and concerned me so greatly that in order to rectify the issue, I needed to do some research into myself. I went to a doctor who confirmed what I'd been feeling and put a label to the condition. Fortunately for me, I also have friends that helped me pin down what it was that confused me.

I went to an amazing and trusted friend that I love dearly. He listened intently and said that he knew exactly what was wrong with me and that it was normal for me. My jaw hit the floor! Normal for me? How was it normal for me and I had no clue about it? Apparently, he'd noticed it long ago and thought I was aware and understood, though I’d never mentioned it to him. He further explained to me, with no indication of what my doctor had told me, what my symptoms were, how I felt, and what to do to counteract them. From that well-intended conversation, I was ready to adopt my friend's assessment of what I was and what I do, wholeheartedly. The explanation made sense to me. It fit what I was going through and what I believed to be true about myself. What hit me hardest was the fact that his assessment made so much sense!! I believed I finally had an understanding of what was making me so miserable. He explained to me that this issue I was having was one that was just a part of who I was and, now that I knew, I could live with it and be happy. At first, I was happy.

For days, I was relieved that I knew my problem. However, the rectification of my issue was one that completely went against what I believe in. It drew a bright red line through all the things I'd decided to be and hold dear. It went against all the promises I'd made to God and the responsibilities I held myself accountable for on my walk with Christ. I lived with the assessment for days but started to feel that I didn’t enjoy the title it put on me or the way I may be viewed and would view myself if I accepted this as a reason for my behavior.

I started to pray about it. I pray about everything that bothers me but this bothered me more deeply because it was in such a violation of what God called me to be. I prayed and asked God for some kind of clarity. The assessment my friend had given me made so much sense! It explained everything for me. I had confirmation from all sorts of sources. I talked to my doctor, did some internet research, joined a group related to the issue, and, ultimately found comfort in the assessment and the solutions I was given. However, that comfort was short lived. Why couldn't I live with what I knew? Why couldn’t I agree and just be happy?

How many of you know that when God loves you, He will change everything about you that you think makes sense? God revealed to me that I didn’t have to be anything I didn’t want to be. While the evidence in front of me made sense and felt like truth, I didn’t have to accept that truth. God doesn’t deal with fact, he deals with the truth. I could take this assessment and have it become my truth. I could also decide to be what I want to be because God has empowered me to change what I am into what He is. I made the decision to hold my ground and not accept what facts were in front of me. There's a saying, "You have to face the facts". You DO have to face the facts that make you unhappy but you have to face them to tell them that, "I believe in God's truth, not your facts."

What was revealed to me later was that some things are holy. Holy by definition is something that is consecrated, dedicated or set apart for religious purposes. The Bible says in Romans 12:1-2, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

When I made the decision to follow Christ and start my walk with God, I was transformed into a new creature with a renewed mind. I wasn’t the same anymore and therefore my soul was no longer governed by things in the natural. I became holy. Holy by choice and holy by design. I was consecrated, dedicated and set apart from all things that could not be considered holy. For this reason, I did not have to accept what was given to me as an explanation for who I was by something other than what the Holy Spirit placed upon me. God has already told me who I was and my wonderful friend’s assessment was not it. I say it all the time but it bears repeating here: No matter what anyone thinks of you, even what God thinks of you, all of it means nothing if you don’t believe it yourself. You have to believe that you ARE what God called you to be.

Upon this realization, and with the gift of deliverance, all the physical symptoms that plagued me disappeared. All the thoughts that made me feel like a violator of God's law took a backseat to a longing to understand the things of God until those thoughts disappeared, too. That renewing helped me to fulfill that Word of God, "that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Through my deliverance, I was proven good, acceptable, and within the perfect will of God.

Don’t just accept what's given to you. Even if it makes sense to everyone else, if it doesn’t fit with what God has given you to be, you do not have to accept it. God is concerned with Truth, not facts. The truth is that you are above the facts. God didn’t design you with hindrances in mind. Anything you need to overcome, He'll move for you. His word says, "All things are possible for them that love Him." For those who strive after His heart, all things are haveable, attainable, tangible, and blessed. You only need believe in yourself.

Yay me for being hardheaded! It feels good...

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Lessons for irritation...

I try not to write when I'm angry or perturbed about something. My thoughts come out way too left field and haphazard. In rereading things that I've written when Ive been upset, I've noticed a tendency to associate too many things outside of what my actual issue is. It's not strange. People are a culmination of their experiences and I'm not different. However, my thinking in how I see those experiences has been changing lately. This discovery has put me on a path that gives me pause in choosing a feeling when I may be upset. I tend to breathe, mull over, give it the benefit of the doubt, and then choose if it's something that truly should garner my anger. Most things, I find, can be summed up in being a form of "righteous indignation" at the situation and not necessarily for the people involved.

I've said all this to say, in my contemplative and deep thinking way, I am irritated. I'm so deeply irritated that I can say that I'm miffed!!! That is all.

I can't even explain the entirety of it and I don't want to. I believe in a few things, though. I believe that in my irritation lies the key to solving the problem. I believe that all irritations are character building opportunities. I believe that no matter the level of anger or irritation, it's nothing that lasts.

As a woman who had a temper that was easily ignited, I took what I saw as a flaw and used what I knew as my precursors and antecedents to change my thinking and to change my mind. The transition was difficult but all things are possible for them that believe. I learned well my personal triggers, taught myself how not to let those triggers rule me, and how to trust God for the lessons I didn't realize needed to be learned.

For most people, self-correction is a struggle. I've seen destructive forces take over a person's life because they refused to correct themselves or to be corrected. My suggestion is to look at yourself hard and believe that God can correct anything. Do not agree with every one's assessment of who you are but trust God's assessment of who He made you to be. People are flawed and may have no idea of what potential is on the inside of you. Trust what the heart God put inside you tells you about what you are and what your personal truth is. In the long run, no matter how God sees you, you have to see yourself as a creation of greatness. You, ultimately, have to fix what you believe to be a problem. Man can enlighten you to a behavior issue but the majority of the time, you know within what your own issues are whether you wish to admit it or not. Even before all this, you must have a relationship with God. Spend some time getting to know Him and who you are. Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Nothing comforts me more than knowing that God knows, above all, who I am.

For this reason, I can say, I'm irritated and know exactly that it means, that I'm irritated! I'm allowed to be that way at times.

Brain Scan

I believe that to be inspired, one needs to have an open mind. Not too difficult, right? The other thing that's needed is an open heart. Therein lays the rub! Open hearts are much more difficult to come by. Hearts are bruised, beat up, broken, turned away from love and can be turned to stone through hardships. Hearts can also give you courage you never dreamed possible, will lead you to love like Christ does, and if shared correctly can change the world.
I never thought of all of what a heart could be until my Daddy told me one day where he believed the heart very literally was. He made me sit down and think of where your heart is by asking the question: "Where is your heart?" I immediately, as most people do, thought of the heart beating in my chest but knew he was asking something a little more involved. In that question dawned the realization that my heart wasn’t where my "heart" came from! He must have seen the light turn on over my head because he said to me, with a smile on his face, "C'mon, Tonda, where is your heart?” I answered timidly, "In my brain or my mind?"
In his question lay a simple truth that people don’t think about too often. The location of where your "heart" is. Your physical heart is not the seat of your emotions. It’s a continually functioning muscle that you can’t even say you control though it beats steadily in your chest. Most of our bodily functions, if functioning properly, we don’t have the insight or the know how to try and coordinate to peak efficiency, let alone control one aspect of. It still makes me laugh when people say that they're in control of anything. You don't control how your body functions, how are you in control?
In deliberating on my father's question, I quite quickly discovered the mind that God gave you is where your heart lives. Your mind is the seat of all the things that make you "you" and is one of the few things you control.
It cannot be denied, no matter your religious preference, or lack thereof, that there is more to you than just a body. You are not just cells, molecules, DNA, blood, bones, and flesh. Inside you there is an inevitable truth that you are more.
The unfortunate thing about this is that people forget what they are. I believe that we are spirits that live inside a body. We can be influenced by and are highly aware of things in the spiritual realm because we are spirits ourselves. The Bible says in John 4:24, "God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth." and Genesis 1:26 states, "Then God said, Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness…" My Pastor has been drilling this in my head since I've been under his teachings. This is the center of my belief that we are spirits made by God. So I'm not just thinking wishfully when I say that I am of the same spirit that God is. I'm not delusional because I'm sure that I am more. All of these wonderful and amazing things that God made me can be found firmly seated in my mind. My chest, my hands, my feet, while they are all remarkably capable, are not where my heart lies.
The knowledge of what and where your heart is will lead you down a path of questioning (if you're anything like me and my "super thinker" buddies) that if God made me in his image, is my heart made in his image, too? You betta believe it… now, what is my "heart"?
I don’t claim to be an expert yet but, I can say that the journey into self and into the idiosyncrasies of how God has built me to be a direct conduit to Him is the most interesting thing my heart has heard in a long time.
I started this blog off with a completely different topic in mind… :) Ill blog again when God tells me what my "heart" really is.
 
 

What's beautiful today...

I'm experiencing my life on a different level. My sense of what God intends for me is heightened as is my imagination for what can be possible. In the simplest terms, He loves me and never have I felt such a deep love. Is it any wonder I love so hard? I'm trying to be like God and loving that I fail to love as much as He does!! What a love...

Thought...

Im such a science fiction geek. From before a time I could remember, I had the deepest love of what the future would be. With its flying cars, thousands living on spaceships that travel the universe and the amazing discoveries that could repair human beings when they were sick and they’d live longer than ever. I was intrigued by Star Wars, Star Trek (I am still a HUGE Star Trek fan.), Dune, Krull, Tron, and anything else in the science fiction realm. The older I got the more I realized that science fiction was based on more fact than fiction. Products that are now emerging are amazingly like the concepts presented on the original Star Trek and all the Star Trek incarnations. (It’s no accident that the Nextel chirp sounds suspiciously like Captain Kirk’s “communicator”.) I thought I’d found heaven when I realized that the floating candle holders I bought at Pier One were the exact ones used on Star Trek: TNG as Synthohol glasses. (Synthohol: a beverage that tastes like alcohol but with no after effects, which has actually been invented, too.) iPads are Captain Picard’s way of reading reports, though he prefers leather bound volumes of books. Ocular implants are allowing people to see who were never able to see before. I’m sure Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge had a hand in that.
The thing that I adore the most about this genre is that someone had to think of these amazing creations to even propose them for television. The idea itself was the inspiration to make what someone had only dreamed of. And, dreams… ah, they are the reality of the future. Dr. Mae Jemison, astronaut and the first African-American woman in space, was inspired by Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, played by the ground breaking Nichelle Nichols, the first African-American woman to have an interracial kiss on television. The imaginings of what the future may be today are the realities of tomorrow.
I say all this to say that no matter what people can think of, they can make it happen. How powerful can our thoughts be that once we think of something, we have the means to create a means to create it? It only takes the initial light of imagination to manifest itself to become actuality. If not in our own lifetime, we set the groundwork for the next. Humans have the amazing and uncanny knack to have an unlimited capacity to think themselves into realities that may help or even hinder them. Their thoughts can bring them to physical pain or, if focused, physical healing. This means to me that we exact an amazing amount of control over what becomes reality for ourselves. We can blueprint our own reality instead of believing that things just happen by accident.
My pastor always says, “You’re not here by accident. You were divinely led to where you are.” If you follow the voice of God to where you need to be, you’ll find the plan intended for you. I believe that through faith we find the blueprint intended for our lives. You can’t build a mansion without a blueprint. You can’t build a tree house without a blueprint! A plan of action is needed, a guide to what you are building. Building your thoughts into realities requires a plan. God has already given you the tools to build with; all you need to gain is the building instructions. Genesis 1:26 says, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.” In the struggle to simplify God and make Him more palatable to the human condition, this passage has been interpreted as meaning our physical form. As the human form was divinely created by God, this is an understandable misconception. The passage does not speak of us being made in God’s image physically but by our minds and spirits. Your mind was given to you by God. This is the tool provided to you by God to carry out His plans and this mind that is in us which is also in Christ Jesus is worthy to be consulted. It sounds simple but what you think you are, whether it be good or bad, it’s what you are. As the quote says, “If you believe you can do something or you can’t, it’s true.”
As my studies progress, I find that God has not given you the spirit of fear and has given you an instrument that when focused can change what your reality is. What could you think to do if you discard the fear of failing at doing it? You’d end up with Star Trek sized dreams and iPad, iPod, Pandora Radio, touch screen, voice activated satellite radio, GPS, holographic computer realities. I’m still waiting to see who invents Data!!! That dude was so cool!

Anger

It's time to tell the truth. I live with it all the time and I just cant keep quiet about it anymore. There are just some people who don't understand English and you wanna slap them. I know, I know... its a hard thing to have to admit but the sincere need to knock some sense into them is a force I will no longer deny. So here's a list of the top people I wanna smack this week:

1. Bishop Eddie Long.

I don't know if there could be any more obvious reason as to why he needs to be slapped. He needs to be smacked by someone who is an expert at smacking the sense back into someone. I'll have to call Mike Epps and buy him a huge bottle of baby powder.

2. The guy I'm in love with that makes me feel like crap.

I'm not even going to address this one. I just refuse to love him anymore. It currently sucks to love him.

3. The people who are disrespectful to people because they have an attitude.

These types of people are rather high on the list because I refuse to believe that your mother never taught you what respect was and is. Just because you're over the age of 21, it does not entitle you to act like a child. Get it together...

4. Men who listen to other men's advice when they have no clue about women.

Get a female best friend who's reasonably smart and ask her what women think. Please lean not to your own understanding.

5. Women who have no clue how to teach someone how to treat them.

If you don't want the man to talk about how ya tail looks in jeans, don't wear tight jeans. Being inappropriate is unacceptable and you need to assert yourself in that case and state your dislike of the comments. However, they're men!!! They will always look. They may not speak about it but they will always look. Don't be upset that they look. One day they won't look at all. Me, I say, please look! Just don't touch without permission.

6. Republicans

... just because

7. Bishop Eddie Long

for that pitiful press conference.

8. People who have no real concept of what it means to be a friend.

9. The kids in latchkey who's parents don't smack them enough.

Last but not least,

10. Bishop Eddie Long.

I just cannot get over the super tight smedium T-shirt pics!

There are so many more people to smack but this blog isn't quite long enough.

Creating positivity...

I’m a creator. I create many things and have ideas for millions of others. I've created music, pillows, looks, clothes, books, blogs, and even a little boy. I’m quite versed at creation and what planning is occasionally involved in creation. The funny thing about creating something is, sometimes it can’t be planned for. I love the entire process, planned or unplanned, from idea to fruition.

Creating positivity is a different story. This is a process that has to be planned! Being and remaining independently positive in a world of esotericism is a difficult process. Being positive is more than just learning on the page, it takes an implementation of theory into your daily life. More importantly, it takes a mind to want to change your thinking. Eventually, habits are formed and reactions to situations no longer require you to actively think of what to think. Fruition of this or any behavior change is the point of no longer needing to think it; you just are what you want to be.

I was asked to help my publisher this week at an event to help recruit interns. My publisher, an amazing young man in his own right, stated that this job was bigger than just him and he, flat out, needed help! The venue he chose was “Welcome Back” week at The University of Michigan-Flint campus. The event is held every year to promote on campus organizations and to raise students awareness of what is happening in and around the university. Groups decorated tables with pamphlets, display boards, flyers, and even a friendly lizard took pictures with a few of the Wildlife Society’s members. I, especially, loved the guy in the gorilla suit holding the sign for The Econ Society. I still have no clue what a gorilla has to do with economy but how much fun is a monkey suit? Students got free hot dogs and hamburgers courtesy of the University. Free ice cream was in an Old School Hood Rich Ice Cream Cart with bells attached! We, meaning partakers, (I couldn’t help but to jump into the fray!) could visit tables and collect the “Free Swag” that comes with all informational events. The goal is to get you to take free stuff and when going through your things later, to hopefully, remember the information that was given. Even perhaps, to move you to visit their websites or join them in whatever activity they were doing on campus.

I was tapped to help out at the Brandon Publishing table. I put information, candies, and bookmarks into bags for students to take with them. I spoke with students about the internship and the multiple areas they could intern for with Brandon Publishing. I leaned heavily on a fellow author who’s done many of these events for herself and for Brandon Publishing for clues on what students were looking for with internship information. I gave away books, t-shirts, and as much of the information a brand new recruit can give. I tried anyway!  Wholly, for the hour and a half I was allowed away from my job, I had a ball.

The feeling I walked away with was one of inspiration and positivity. In this city, events like this one are rarer than I can mention. Even though, this event was for University purposes, it was an amazing experience to be a part of. I suddenly understood to a deeper degree the purpose my publisher had in mind when creating this company. As a graduate of the University, events like this one, created in him the drive for positivity and to incite positive change in a community where most things aren’t positive at all. I was thrown into the drastic irony of the fact that while this amazing event was taking place, a few blocks over, there was a school that helped troubled students to receive their high school diploma despite their setbacks that was closed and boarded up. The desolation of this city is shockingly apparent to all who may come here but, if you know like I know, there’s usually something positive brewing under the surface.

While endeavoring not to wax rhapsodic, I will say that I am immensely proud to be a part of a company that deeply values the community in which it is based. So much so, that no matter the juxtaposition of remaining and creating positivity in a city that boasts the number three highest crime ranking in the nation, we remain and we create.

It’s up to you what you make, create, and put your time, talent or treasure into. No one can make you choose what you choose. Your life is your own making and my prayers are that you make it a good one. But, to use my favorite teaching tool ever, the Bible: Mark 8:36, “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” and Luke 4:18-19, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”. I believe these two verses can be interpreted to mean “What you gain, learn, know, believe, and understand aren’t for you. God gives you these gifts for the express reason of giving them away. He blesses you to be a blessing.” In my opinion, as a Christian woman, nothing is more important than having a relationship with God but I understand the need to get the door open to things of the heart and of the positive before you can usher in the things of God

In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, it is understood that humans are built with five basic needs that control their thoughts and behavior. Physiological needs such as oxygen, food, water, and regulated body temperature are the beginning. If any of these are deprived a human, it negates the need for any higher satisfaction. Safety needs consist of just the simple need to know they are safe in times of emergency. The need of love, affection, and belongingness includes both giving and receiving love, affection and the sense of belonging to overcome the feelings of loneliness and alienation. The needs for esteem can become foremost when all other needs are present. Included are the needs for self-esteem and for the esteem one receives from others. When this need is not fulfilled, people can feel weak, helpless, inferior and worthless. Last is the need for self-actualization. Maslow describes this as a person’s need to be and do that which the person was “born to do.” My pastor describes this as “Walking in Your Purpose”.

Both of these theories are true and while it may be a little abstract, they work in conjunction. Someone has to be the giver and someone has to be the receiver. Givers need to be willing to give and receivers/the needy have to be prepared mentally to receive. The simplicity of this theory is only eclipsed by the difficulty of coordinating the efforts of giver and receiver. If any factor is missing, labors of giver and receiver are for naught.

To right this discrepancy, I believe that some people are put here to stand in the gap of giver and receiver. I also believe that some peoples’ “born to do” is to help others fulfill their needs and to bring them to a place of finally realizing their own “born to do”. By eliminating basic needs, we can strive to create a community and a population that can grow straight and true. I believe this publishing company, this amazing group of writers, editors, and administrators, is a shining example of striving to be impactful and to help fulfill the needs of people who otherwise would have no one to sow some much needed positivity into their journey. “Pride” isn’t a big enough word to encompass what I feel but, it’s a good start.

Yeah, I got all of that from a “Welcome Back” mixer. I got a few highlighters, too…

I see you...

I recognize that things dont move as fast as I sometimes need them to. I also understand that my life is on a path that I dont want to move from. But, every once in a while something will move me... and move me in the best possible way.

HE moved ME. Changed my whole mind about the whole thing!I wasnt expecting to be so moved by such a small thing but someone who thinks ahead of what he wants can do that. HE allowed me the freedom to remain in my lane...

Im gonna start writing poetry again dealing with this man...

*Whew*

The hardest thing....

The most difficult part of having friends is that sometimes you outgrow them. Im at a point in this life that God is moving me to be in a position of receiving my destiny. However, Im having issues with being able to make decisions because of how my friends will feel about them. Dont misunderstand, Im not one to lean to anyone else's understanding but its not my goal to hurt or cause misunderstanding. In every life there are times that you have to redefine your paradigm of living. When things get too uncomfortable for you in the way you lead your life, you have to move. Im going through this now.
Pain doesnt cover what I feel. I love them, trusted them, and would have gladly done my best to move heaven and earth for them until I realized that I was doing it for them and not for God.I had to regroup, repriortize and redo and what came out in the wash shocked me.
For years, my trust for advice and guidance came from my friends. Leaning on God was never in the forefront because I leaned entirely on my friends. Trusting the judgment of someone who isnt under the influence of God can land you in the worst of hot water.
I spent a whole day alone with God and finally understand what He needed from me in the first place. Trust... reckless abandon kind of trust. I needed to change my own mind about who had my best interest at heart. God knows everything about me, how could I not believe Him over man?
The Bible says in Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you: I ordained you a prophet to the nations"
He knows me better than any friend ever could. He put me here for a purpose and there are times when purpose can overwhelm friendships.
Im at a point of transition. Its so painful! But, all growth is... I have to trust God. Its not hard to trust God, its hard for me to get my life in the order he's ordained...
This is the hardest thing Ive ever done...

In Progress...

Eventually, Im going to start taking pics of me and my moods and posting them here. I keep procrastinating about it because I have more fun finding pics online that convey my moods. But, Im a work in progress... :)

Life can be so amazing when you trust God enough to let go, trust your friends enough to hold on, trust your heart to hold you down, and trust your Spirit to hold you up. Breathe, trust, and believe... Life is the miracle we make it.
~Tonda

I try hard...

I try really hard. I try hard to keep my distance. I keep trying to keep my heart out of equations but I think Ive finally learned that its not going to happen. More than one situation lately has shown me that I dont have a choice.
My ex-boyfriend used to call me "Bathwater" or "Bath" because whoever was in my presence was washed in my warmth and my heart. He said that there was no place that I didnt touch him or that he didnt feel me when I was in love with him. When I wasnt, he told me it felt exactly like the time directly when you come out of the bath, freezing and uncomfortable. He felt blocked from the heat when I was angry with him... but eventually, he got back to a place where he and I were "warm" again. He explained that people feel it physicallly when I withdraw and go to place to heal my heart after its been broken because even my broken heart is warmer than that freezing out.
For a long time, the analogy escaped me on all but the outside level. I guess I never really thought about it too long. I was brokenhearted at the time and I couldnt think of much else. I get what he means now.
I try not to envelope people too much because what Ive learned is that everyone doesnt deserve the priviledge of knowing you. I have to remember that actively because usually, Im happy to invite people in and some can be damaging and selfish.
I can be "Bath". I can be the warmth, acceptance, and love that is unjudging and selfless. However, Im going to change my decision making paradigm on who gets to see that warmth and love. Its a little too precious to leave in incapable hands...

Hello?

As a performer, I'm used to hearing people tell me how wonderful I sound. While I'm not arrogant, I've grown used to peoples reactions when I open my mouth to give back what God gave me. As a fashionista, I'm also used to people loving my outfits, hair, shoes, whatever. If I love it, I'm going to do it but I'm doubly excited when others love it as much as me.
As a performer and a performers' ex-girlfriend, I understand putting your heart in what you love, what God has gifted you and not having others appreciate or understand all the time. I understand the triumphs and the crashes. I'm safeguarded in Christ because with Him, if you're moving in your purpose, there's no crash. Ain't nobody or nothing to crash into. But, I digress...
What hurts the most as a performer, no matter what you do, is when the people you love don't "see" you. I think its true for anyone. When your efforts aren't recognized, you can start to doubt yourself. You struggle to find the balance between the nameless droves that love the "you" on the stage and the person you love that doesn't see you. Its heartbreaking. Its like drowning. You struggle with all your might to keep your head above water and the person you love is sitting on the shore stoicly staring but not helping. (That's the dream I had last night.)
Here's why I don't care about people or my special him "seeing" me anymore: God sees me. God always sees me. He never looks away, never has plans that are more important than watching over me. Instead of applause, He blesses me. Nothing else to me matters. When I sing, I sing for great masses of audiences but, in my heart, I'm singing to an audience of One. The One...

Sensitivity...

I was pissed this week. I worked my tail off to do everything for everyone else, or so it seemed. I was drained dry, exhausted, and pulled off getting good grades on my finals. Did anyone care? NO!!! I was hurt that no one gave a damn…. Then I had to remember that I didn’t do it for anyone else to care about what I did or didn’t do. I had to remember that my life is a testament to me and God… who care what anyone else thinks about how good or bad I did…. I forget sometimes that I do this for that little boy and that’s it…. Im proud of me.

Focus...

It's not easy to focus when youre distracted by things out of your control. My daydreams get in my way quite a bit… LOL. I have lots of dreams and daydreaming, while distracting, keeps me in touch with them.
I think too much. I have the kind of brain that moves exceptionally quick. Im at the end when everyone else is still getting the jist of what to do. I can rarely keep up with my thoughts which is why I love my laptop and new phone so much. Im never without the time to jot down my thoughts, ideas, dreams, stories, and what God tells me in whispers. In most instances, Im at the deep end of the thinking pool whereas most people try to keep it simple in the shallow end of things. Sometimes its good to know how to swim there but in the deep end, it’s a lot easier to drown.
The difficulty lies in trying to discern it all; what means what and what means not a whole lot. I can rarely do it alone and I need serious and steadfast divine intervention. I try not to put myself on those "thinking" roads that will lead me to negative thinking or negative actions but my brain travels faster than the speed of light. Its rare that I can stop myself unless I call on God before Im too far down that proverbial road of destruction.
All this is said to say that while people may seem to have it all together on the outside, a more likely case is that theyre just a junky mess of tangles and stuff-to-do's just like I am.
For some twisted reason, that makes me feel better… :)

Im not patient!!

Argh! LOL! There are days that I just throw in the towel and give it all over to God. The past week or so has been the epitome of those times. Being patient has never been my strong suit but slowly... *grinds her teeth* I'm learning what it means to wait on good things as opposed to getting half hearted efforts now. Anything worth having is worth working for and waiting for. No pain, no gain...

I dont get it...

Clarity is elusive for me right now. As soon as I feel like I have a handle on seeing the goal, it slips away from me like trying to hold on to clouds.

It goes to show that money has no bearing on my mood or on my feelings. Im full of "why's" and "why not's". "How is it that's" arent too far behind. Question with no answers frustrates me...

My best friend called me fire the other day. When he thinks of me, he doesnt think of anything other than fire. I struggled to understand the analogy. I get it to a certain extent.

"Why?" is prevelant again?

Why doesn't he see me?
If he does, why doesn't he say anything?
Why doesn't he love me when everyone else around me does?
Why? Why? Why?

**Place frustrated scream here**

Here's what ticks me off: I dont even want to violate my celibacy. I only want to be held and hugged. I wanna just lay in someone's arms until I fall asleep. However, for some odd reason, it never seems to be what men are looking for. Im not allowed comfort if Im not exchanging the sex.

I get the fact that men are men. Always have been, always will be. Its not a bad thing, it just is what it is. Men are sexual creatures and I dont begrudge them that. But, as a woman, trying to live holy, life is truly like a box of crazy chocolates. You really never know what youre going to get. So, in my effort to stay chaste, I avoid intimacy at all costs. Even a certain level of conversational intimacy is reserved for, well, the intimate. Im not a woman who misunderstands my sensuality or sexuality, therefore, my celibacy is a situation where tempation is not allowed. I stay out of tempting situations. I steer clear of things that may be misconstrued as such. I dont try to tempt anyone and I try not to let anyone tempt me.... too much, anyway.

My frustration isnt with the actual intercourse part of things. My frustration is based in lack of being close enough to someone that the line drawn in the sand for my celibacy isnt in jeopardy of being violated. Better still, he's strong enough to respect the line, loves me enough to respect the line, cherishes me enough to enjoy just being with me, and treats time with me alone as sacred...

Sometimes this lane is a tear-inducing, frustration-enhancing mess but it's mine. As my best friend says, I got the best good strong back for this sh#t...

I lied...

Okay, so I wasnt honest. Is that a crime? Umm, I know its wrong so you dont have to tell me. Ive been lying to myself but I just let the realization wash over me so I dont feel too bad.

I'm not the least bit, a regretful person. Im of the mind that life is what it is and you make it better after mistakes. Learn the lessons and praise God for the grace that covers you to move from a new space with those lessons learned. I dont work in regrets.

Ive been regretting things lately, however. I've been rehearsing my mistakes over and over again for some odd reason. There are times when its adventageous to review your journey and appreciate the "then to now". This thing for me, though, was rather harsh and not constructive at all. I put myself through the ringer because of one situation. Mind you, the situation is not at all ideal but my impatience in this situation is making me angry. One thing shouldnt effect everything else but this one does for me.

Heres the lesson Ive learned. Frustration in any form is like a cancer. It mutates everything around it. Changes it and warps it until the healthy cell is producing the same mutations and meanwhile is killing its host. Ive been systematically living with this ruckus and out cold cancer thats eating me alive. ! God has so much for me and without being rational, Im letting my feelings rule me. The Bible says in Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I,unfortunately, wasnt doing that! Why would I do that? Let me tell you why?

Because Im frustrated!! Duh!!! This lane, this lane...

Im gonna figure it out...

I prayed today because I didnt know how to feel. Thats sounds funny but I promise that my last few weeks have been tumultous. Ive been good at keeping my heat level level but its not easy. The funny part is that even when Im not heated, Im being thought of as such. Amazing how people who should know you, dont. Even more amazing that people underestimate you but still manage to encourage you... How conflicting is that?

I worked hard to try and figure it out on my own but it continues to elude and frustrate me. For the first time, in a long time, I cant write about it. I cant sing it out, I cant talk it out, I'm even having trouble praying it out...

What has me a touch anxious is that I've never felt like this before. It makes me wonder what's ahead for me and what it is that Im going to find out about myself when this is resolved.

Im preparing for whatever this is... and hoping it quits blocking my freaking lane.

I wanna scream...

Im trying to not scream!!! I am just at the end of all my tolerance and I wanna scream. School, work, singing, my son, laundry, student loans, and everything else under the sun.

Frustration in one area leads to frustration in every other area for me. Im really trying....

Im going to go and scream now.

P.S. Im using all I know not to slap him... Wow...

Just the basics...

**With my head under my pillow** Im so tired!!! I never realized how much more busy I could be until I got busier!

Im walking a path I was put on by my Holy Father. Im ridiculously happy that things are happening much faster than I hoped but Im still so tired! LOL. I refuse to stop or to slow down but my laundry is suffering a bunch because of my increased work load.

Its a time in my life that I think to myself, "I wish I just had someone to come and play in my hair until I fall asleep." or wishing I had the person who can comfort me after a long day of comforting others. I hate to admit that I think it quite often and it constantly brings into stark reality that I am a single woman with high standards.

I trust God. I trust this path and this life that Ive been called to but when Im home nights after a long day of doing things for others, what do I have for myself? What do I have to call my own? I have my son true enough. There are times with parenthood that I have to convince myself not to be upset that all things rest on me. In the end, I prefer it but it still doesnt make it easier.

The basics are that, the path I walk, isnt for the timid or the weak. The path I walk is tiring, rewarding, heartbreaking, joyful, tear-filled, and the most amazing thing Ive ever done in my life. Sometimes its just hard to see the road when emotions block your view.

I pray that God moves me higher. The higher you are the more you can see. The higher you are, the more the enemy can see you. No matter if I make an easy target, I need to be higher. The higher I go, the closer I am to seeing what's ahead of me and, plus, Daddy gave me a force field from attack called the Bible.... Mess with me if you wanna, enemy... you gone go home hurting!!!

I still need someone to come and rub my head for me, though... Im still human.

I want to kiss you...

i want to kiss you
shatter you
jawline against touch
touch you
scent of musk
saltwater and seafoam
clean
Want to kiss you near God
amongst strangers
I dare either to stop me
Keep me
Want to kiss you bitter
tired of waiting
wondering
want to kiss you empty
steady as forever
small as favor
maybe kiss you
curve where shoulder
meets neck
or silk of throat
perhaps rough of chin
inside elbows
wrists
then rest
smooth of chest
back
hip to hip
dip of belly
want to hold you entwined
like vows
palm against palm
fingers laced
and waiting
I want to kiss you
unbroken
before too many hearts
snap like dried
and dead things
this longing like fire
like hunger
like nothing before
or since
Just one small
solitary kiss
no questions
no worries
no words
just a kiss
quiet
quick
subtle
silent


itll probably speak volumes...

By Bassey Ikpi

Sometimes someone else can say it better than I can. Today is that day for me...

To you...

There are days, like today, that its hard to love you. Not hard in that its difficult but hard as in its hard to not show how I feel for you. I chose a rough way to go but still, Id rather love here than to never show faith enough to love without reason.

I said this blog would be intensely personal but I daily question whether I should air this particular thing I feel because it is such an intimate.... thing. I keep skirting around its edges as if, in this space, the divulging itself is dangerous ground to tread on.

What do you do when you love someone? What do you do when you've chosen to continue to love this person despite what you hear, and see, and hear again...

I was in a long distance relationship once. He was and still is one of the most amazing men Ive ever known. We ended the relationship because of what we were going through at the time and the lack of proper timing for both of us but I loved him more than any man romantically I'd ever been with. I still believe he's my twin soul. However, I'd have already killed him if I had stayed with him... :)

I loved him from afar. I kinda had to because he lived in Brooklyn, NY and I was in Michigan. I started to equate that immense love to loving God. Not at all in the same manner but in lack of seeing the object of that which you love but loving them all the same. I've never seen God but love him. I saw Chris daily through pics and by webcam. I talked to him all the time by phone, instant message, and email. What calmed my frustration at not seeing him face to face was that I could see Chris eventually, I needed to have astounding faith that I'd see God who is much harder to see face to face.... :) It was a question of faith and real love.

1 John 4:20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

So when I say its hard to love, it is... But, I can see you everyday. I can talk to you everyday. I can hear you laugh, see you smile, believe in you, pray for you, and stay here in my lane... I'll get over the rest.

I believe God has a plan for my life. Im following that plan to within an inch of my natural life. I put nothing and no one above that destiny but I can still love you. I've learned that loving you doesnt diminish me or make me susceptible to heartbreak. It doesnt make me stupid or naive. It doesnt make me vulnerable to the pain that may come from a future without you. Trusting in God and believing that He has my best waiting for me and, since I have no clue what that is, Im allowed to say that I love you...

I feel protected by the grace of God and that makes me smile. Im waving and blowing you kisses from my lane... LOL just dont get distracted and crash watching me!! Yeah, I know you watch!

I vow...

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would remain honest. I vowed that I would be as forthcoming as I could be and not be fearful of any repercussions about how anyone may feel about what I say. Im not going to try to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, mind you. I would exercise tact and never mention names but Id be true to what I feel and this journey Im on.

I was also of the mind that not many people would read this anyway. I only hoped the people important to me would. That being said, I still wish to be candid and hopefully, someone can be blessed by the lessons Ive learned from.

Since my brain isnt connecting to higher functionality today, Ill end this...

Im holding my breath... and wobbling sleepily down my lane... Im hoping the destiny cops dont pull me over... LOL

???

Once youve stepped into destiny and you've found the way that God intended for you, what do you do with your friends? Not the ones who are expendable. LOL. The ones who are undiscernably linked to your life. The people that know everything about you, the people that love you regardless of what they know about you. The ones who prop you up and help you to understand about yourself what the world never could. But, they have demons attached to them that they cant or are unwilling to break free from.

What do you do? What do I do?

I cant imagine my life without my best friend as my best friend but some spirit issues have a way of dragging everything around them into the same mess.

Its easy to let go of things that dont have much impact on your life or your feelings. Ive been very good at compartmentalizing how I love people against how much of their lives Im responsible for. However, I cant imagine a seperation here.

I heard one solution from a friend today that seemed so drastic to me. So selfish. It was that if the best friends behavior doesnt change and he doesnt want to change, I would and should eventually cut him off. Wow... I probably needed to explain more accurately but you can't put a 20-year friendship and love into words that well.

In thinking, I dont think this friend is all the way correct. I believe that love covers all things and no matter how deep into the abyss my best friend may ride, I love him enough to go there with him and bring him back out. There are times when love has to be something that you go to the mat for. This friend has been there and has gone to the mat before. He's been enriched as a person because of his journey. Maybe he wants to protect me in case my best friend does come crashing down on himself.

If I should not be able to help my best friend get his delivery, I will not feel personally responsible because I know that you cant make a grown person do a damn thing. I will be heartbroken because my best friend is one of the most amazing men I know.

The future is a funny place and is always changing. Im realizing that God made our minds without the ability to predict the future for the realization of faith. If you know what's to come, how would you ever learn to trust God through your trials. Sometimes its better not to know the outcome and increase your faith to change the things you do see into what you want to see...

LOL... I keep thinking of the Terminator 2 movie... Edward Furlong who played the young John Connor quoted his mothers poem and said, "the future is not set. There's not fate but what we make... "

Ive never done the status quo. Ive never done what anyone else thought I should. I follow my heart and, more importantly, what God leads me to do. Only the weak let go when theyre scared or things dont go their way. Ill let go when I feel like I cant go any longer and run into risking myself. But, isnt that the crux of love? Letting Others have the Victory at your Expense... Sometimes, that thought is lost on those who should know it best...

I got strong shoulders to rest this weight on... and this lane of life was made for me.

Stepping into destiny...

I really don't feel like blogging but Im going to. My first Sunday with the praise team was today. I cant mention at all how blessed I was by singing but, wow, how difficult to keep singing and feel the spirit and have to maintain... LOL. No matter the difficulty, I knew when I was at rehearsal that I had walked into my destiny.

I felt like I finally am where I should be. This assignment is what I was made for. I just cant explain how I feel... I had to stop driving on rehearsal day because of how fast my heart was beating. I felt like my heart was going to burst free and paint the sky with my joy...

How amazing to know that what makes me happy is exactly what God gave me as a gift to give back to Him... This lane is exactly what I need it to be...

Randoms...

I know how I feel today but it's been a crazy feeling kind of day...

I try to control all this I feel. Control, however, is an illusion. I can only hold on sometimes.

My air... dude is morphing into my air...


Its better to keep quiet some days and hold your tongue... Today was a "keep quiet, get off the phone, and fuss on FB about how you feel" day...


God loves me more than I can ever love myself...


I hate feeling like I need to study more, no matter how much I study...


Good food is the bomb...


I deleted all my profiles that my best friend set up for me on the dating sites. I dont need to be on a dating site that seems to only be online booty calls... LOL.
So not going to happen with me...


Im kind of done with the whole dating thing. What's the point? I keep running into the strangest people. Im going to stay home... LOL


I thought of why Im on the path Im on... Someone told me that they dont quite understand why I chose the path I did... I, in absolutely love, explained to them that I didnt choose it, God did... And who am I to not stay in my lane...

Deepest feelings show themselves in siLence.....like when they look at you and see your heart or when you feel their touch and know that you matter.... :))

Not a word....

Its being in his space. That's all... Being where he is even if I can never say how I feel about him. Somehow, its empty without him in it... Lost of it charm, sweetness, and life... but just being in his space gives me joy. Gives me what I need to push through another day...

Its him...

Nothing has to be said, not a word crosses my lips, and Im alright...


Its just.... him...


Here's to hoping the lanes converge...

I am such a nerd. I can readily admit that I love to learn. Its just that some of the things in my head are some sort of randomness that can not be quantified!!! Im telling you that the amount of things that maintain a constant residency in brain are staggering.

Parts of songs Ive forgotten, bad jokes, movie quotes, more bad jokes, the little rabbit foo foo song, dance steps to the Bobby Brown video "Every Little Step", dance steps to the New Edition video for "If it isn't love", how to curse in Spanish... things that no one needs!LOL!

For some reason, I remember all the words to a song called "Sevion" that I learned in the 4th grade. Dont ask me why a little black Christian girl learned dreidel and Hanukkah songs but I was a progressive child.

Im worried that my brain has a capacity issue!! Not enough memory to store my randomness and what I actually need to retain!! Im working so hard to memorize bible verses to use as application for life. I cant get the theme song from the 80's cartoon Jem out of my head! But, then again, she is excitement, adventure, glamour, glitter, fashion and fame...

Im nervous that nowadays, every time I learn something new, Im going to have to throw something else out. Im going to eventually forget the words to the Jewish holiday songs and the "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck" ditty because Im going to have to remember all my passwords and pin numbers for everything!

Maybe my mind is made of some stretchy type of substance that can conform and shape every time I put another thing into it like some subconscious Force Flex bag. The only reason I cant remember it all because what Im looking for always falls to the bottom. Old things tend to come to the top when you dont need them and you cant find them when ya looking for them. Some things are just a matter of looking through things long enough till you find it. Which tends to happen when you're doing something completely different.

The things I come up with make me laugh... I've been giggling at the picture of the Force Flex thing all day...

Im in my rather goofy lane...

Caterpillar potential...

It dawned on me today that I keep feeling like Im moving through a major change. Like Im moving toward a new season in my natural life and in my life with Christ. Ive never felt like this before nor have I ever felt so much like I needed to be surrounded with the things of God.

I feel like a freaking caterpillar. When a caterpillar is born, it has no clue what its born to be. It moves along in its life and probably has no clue that its soon going to undergo a major change in its existence. It just goes along surviving and doing its best to follow its instinct. All of a sudden, it starts to feel the change coming. It starts to fill up on what it needs to keep itself sustained. It searches for privacy and a quiet place to undergo what it knows not. It wraps itself in the coverings of what will facilitate the change. It eventually changes into something more than it ever expected or anticipated.

I have no clue what Im going to be but what I do know is that I have no room to receive it, just like the caterpillar. What I am right now doesnt have the capacity necesary to bring about what God has in store for me, so Im going through a transition to bring me closer to my destiny through Christ Jesus. All the things essential for the caterpillar are also paramount for me. I felt this change coming and had to look to God for the courage to take another step. I had to fill up on His Word to keep myself sustained while moving through. I searched for the safety and peace of my quiet place in God to feel safe from the world during my change. I wrap myself in the armor of God that will contain my change and keep me safe until my wings are ready...

My friend Virginia told me as our wings form and begin to stretch it is a bittersweet song in our hearts. I know shes right. You cant take anyone on that change with you no matter how you may feel about them. They have to make their own changes. Sometimes when you change and people you love don't, the change can be bittersweet. But, for me, I believe that what God has for me, He didnt intend for anyone else.

I trust this process and I trust my Holy God that brought me to this place of change. Im on my road to being a butterfly... now to just outlast the process and stay in my lane...

Ugh... LOL

I love a man. I love him lots and lots. However, I do not want to love him... LOL. I laugh now because I'm okay with feeling that way. For weeks, I couldnt reconcile the feelings I was having. I lashed out at him, me, and everyone else that I possibly could. It didnt help...

I had a crush on him for years without really knowing him. Before I knew him, I somehow felt like the man was a part of my destiny. I had no clue the capacity but there is something that draws me to him. I've only ever felt like this with one other man and he was meant to be a part of my life. This former love was also the reason I avoided the new love at all costs!! LOL. Plus, the new loves situation didnt make for us to tiptoe in the tulips...

Before we ever met the first time officially, I had a dream about him. I was on a ship with the sun setting. I was walking on the promenade down a white satin aisle. I was in a dress that faded from white to my pink... I was wearing gardenias in my hair (not that I can see them but in any dream you just seem to know things that make no sense in real life.)... I was carrying a bouquet of lollipops, gardenias, and white peonies... I looked up and my arm was linked with my dad's and my mom's... I was all smiles. I got to the end of the promenade and looked down the aisle. I saw my 6'4" pastor and him... He put his hand on his chest when he saw me and smiled so big his jaw was going to break... I knew that this was going to be the best part of my life starting as soon as I said, I do...

I dont know what it all means but I know that Ive never forgotten the dream. Meeting him officially didnt change the way I felt. On the contrary, its intensified. while he's far from perfect and has no clue how to handle me and my personality (LMAO!!) I keep seeing him in my future. I try not to love him but he keeps reminding me why I ended up in this situation in the first place. I keep trying to be devils' advocate and tell myself bad stuff about him but the love still stays.

Trying not to love someone is like balancing on a pin... no matter the weight, its still going to stick you! I struggled to figure out what God wanted for me and what I was seeing as my future. I discovered that it was okay for me to love him from right where I am emotionally, physically, and logistically. If this man is meant to be in my lane then God would converge the roads!!! LOL. But, the trick was to love God more than I love him; to love God more than I love anyone. That prospect freed my heart from struggling and from the misappropriation of emotions; good and bad. I cant say that I'll be content with loving him quietly forever but, for the moment, Im okay with it. Im still in my lane and on my lovely fuschia celibacy square trying not to teeter... LOL

Struggles...

I cried when I woke up today. I was still thinking about a conversation I had with one of my best friends. He told me that I was becoming more and more like a recluse emotionally. I denied it adamantly but, as I tend to do, I take things people say of me and whirl it in my "brain blender". It was quite a shock to me that maybe he was right! How horrid! LOL.

I was aware of the hole that I make around myself. Ive found that same vortex at my church. For me to be as "expressive" as I am with my clothing and hairstyles, there are very few that can say they know me. The list outside of those who are family is extremely limited. I tend to keep my personal life personal because people tend to misjudge and jump to conclusions. So, the vacuum around me and my personal life is self-imposed. However, I never thought that I was in that same vaacum when it came to my heart.

I guess maybe I am a bit of a recluse and fiercly independent. I lost two of my best friends at the same time. Not to death or tragedy but to circumstance in their own lives that were hindering their time and contact with me. These for me, were no regular best friends. They were my sounding board for all things Tonda. They'd seen and known me from the beginning of "me" and loved me unconditionally. They know me so intimately that with one of my friends, I didnt know how I was ever going to marry anyone because he knew me better than a husband ever would. After that seperation, I was rather lost and had to learn to be my own sounding board and my own help when I needed it. I learned to manage on my own. The deeper the feeling, the more I withdrew from telling anyone what I felt. When I did share what I felt with someone, no one understood anyway. So many people are surface oriented and have to be that way to keep going in a world that moves the speed of light. I was told that I shouldnt "feel" so much. Why share my feelings with people who dont think any deeper than bath water? I stopped talking about my feelings at all until it was necessary and even then tried to avoid it.

Ultimately, I struggle with sharing how I feel and knowing how deep to go or whether to let anyone in at all. I dont trust anyone but God with my real feelings anymore. Too many times, Ive been disappointed when men want me for the wrong reasons. Ive been disappointed when women who start off my friends end up jealous and mean spirited because they arent as confident as me. The funny part is that Im not all that emotionally confident. However, I believe in a God that said "I am That, I am". That tells me that whatever I need Him to be, He is that. Whatever I may lack or fear, God will be come that which I need and protect my heart from hurt.

I can express myself here and with this blog, Im trying to be a bit more open. I cant promise that itll always work but Im going to trust God to keep me moving forward in my lane...

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." ~Maya Angelou

I'm floored... I keep trying to make this all make sense but it doesn't...

I've known a man for over 20 years. I didn't trust dude in high school. Something about him didn't sit right with me. I had the biggest crush ever on him but could not make that feeling of gloom and doom go away. Later that week, I found out why. He had a girlfriend... He was blacklisted from that point on. It didn't make me like him less but I believed the feeling that he'd never be anything but a cheater.

Fast forward 20 years and we met again. At this point, I'm studying to graduate from college (finally) and then on to theology school. I'm dedicated to my walk with Christ and, to my belief system, so going on to theology school isn't strange to me. He claims to be a young pastor nowadays; working toward becoming pastor of his current church. I'm happy for him but something still doesn't sit right with me. I don't claim to be perfect but its rare that my instinct fails me. We speak a little further and agree to meet for lunch when our schedules allowed. I was excited! I had a lunch date with a guy I had such a crush on in high school.

Our schedules ended up conflicting so I met him for a small break he had from teaching a class at the school I attended. He was just as handsome as I remembered! As a woman, it was refreshing to touch base with someone who was polished and seemed like a decent man. However, that red light went off again for me. Five minutes later, I couldn't get the man past a conversation about when I was going to let him finish what he started with me in high school. No matter how I tried to speak of things non-sexual, this "pastor" kept bringing it back... After days of trying and outlining my intent to live a holy life, I never did get him to come back. He stopped talking to me when he realized I wasn't going to fall for his game. I found out later that the guy is married with step kids. He told me that he was divorced but his ex-wife still speaks of love and how much she misses him. Why lie?

K, so, I'm not perfect. I fell into a little bit of suggestive texting, and wanting to bite the dude in a few places but I never did swerve out of my lane.

I know that people are doing things of a sexual nature all the time. I've been where they are. I am a single mother after all. I understand where the need comes from but, for me, when I gave my life to Christ, I gave it all the way. I mess up, I make mistakes, and I'm convicted every time. I feel like absolute crap anytime I sin because, I hold myself responsible and accountable for living up to the contract I made with God. I'm not perfect and I fall from time to time. God's grace covers me when I do but that grace shouldn't be taken advantage of or used as an excuse to continue to break the commandments. I feel like this man is exploiting his position to get what he wants from women. Women come to him for help and he is taking advantage of their insecurities and doubts about men. Not to mention, most are trying hard to find a good man and a man who says hes a pastor puts a target on his back. I can bet that he loves every shot that target gets him... Hell awaits unless he can get it together.

I was floored but I'm learning that my obedience brings its own blessings. It was a blessing that I never believed him. It was a blessing that I saw the signs before my heart was even a tiny bit invested. It was a blessing that I was obedient to my celibacy. The blessing in this situation was that he left me alone and left room for the real men to put in their applications. Its hard and I don't have the luxury of being ignorant or stupid to this line of game but God will bless me as long as I stay the course... and stay in my lane.

New and nervous...

This is still new for me. I know that my thoughts cant really be appropriately expressed on Facebook statuses... LOL

I only want to live my life to the best of my ability. Im interested in being better and better... and sharing what Im learning along the way. This will get rather personal a lot of the time. I can be way more personal here so I hope no one is offended or upset. Then again, go express that on youre own blog.

Im not perfect. I curse when Im angry which a woman of God shouldnt do but Im human and trying my best to stop... LOL

Well, thus starts my journey and my journal of the journey. I pray you guys come along...