To you...

There are days, like today, that its hard to love you. Not hard in that its difficult but hard as in its hard to not show how I feel for you. I chose a rough way to go but still, Id rather love here than to never show faith enough to love without reason.

I said this blog would be intensely personal but I daily question whether I should air this particular thing I feel because it is such an intimate.... thing. I keep skirting around its edges as if, in this space, the divulging itself is dangerous ground to tread on.

What do you do when you love someone? What do you do when you've chosen to continue to love this person despite what you hear, and see, and hear again...

I was in a long distance relationship once. He was and still is one of the most amazing men Ive ever known. We ended the relationship because of what we were going through at the time and the lack of proper timing for both of us but I loved him more than any man romantically I'd ever been with. I still believe he's my twin soul. However, I'd have already killed him if I had stayed with him... :)

I loved him from afar. I kinda had to because he lived in Brooklyn, NY and I was in Michigan. I started to equate that immense love to loving God. Not at all in the same manner but in lack of seeing the object of that which you love but loving them all the same. I've never seen God but love him. I saw Chris daily through pics and by webcam. I talked to him all the time by phone, instant message, and email. What calmed my frustration at not seeing him face to face was that I could see Chris eventually, I needed to have astounding faith that I'd see God who is much harder to see face to face.... :) It was a question of faith and real love.

1 John 4:20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

So when I say its hard to love, it is... But, I can see you everyday. I can talk to you everyday. I can hear you laugh, see you smile, believe in you, pray for you, and stay here in my lane... I'll get over the rest.

I believe God has a plan for my life. Im following that plan to within an inch of my natural life. I put nothing and no one above that destiny but I can still love you. I've learned that loving you doesnt diminish me or make me susceptible to heartbreak. It doesnt make me stupid or naive. It doesnt make me vulnerable to the pain that may come from a future without you. Trusting in God and believing that He has my best waiting for me and, since I have no clue what that is, Im allowed to say that I love you...

I feel protected by the grace of God and that makes me smile. Im waving and blowing you kisses from my lane... LOL just dont get distracted and crash watching me!! Yeah, I know you watch!