Struggles...

I cried when I woke up today. I was still thinking about a conversation I had with one of my best friends. He told me that I was becoming more and more like a recluse emotionally. I denied it adamantly but, as I tend to do, I take things people say of me and whirl it in my "brain blender". It was quite a shock to me that maybe he was right! How horrid! LOL.

I was aware of the hole that I make around myself. Ive found that same vortex at my church. For me to be as "expressive" as I am with my clothing and hairstyles, there are very few that can say they know me. The list outside of those who are family is extremely limited. I tend to keep my personal life personal because people tend to misjudge and jump to conclusions. So, the vacuum around me and my personal life is self-imposed. However, I never thought that I was in that same vaacum when it came to my heart.

I guess maybe I am a bit of a recluse and fiercly independent. I lost two of my best friends at the same time. Not to death or tragedy but to circumstance in their own lives that were hindering their time and contact with me. These for me, were no regular best friends. They were my sounding board for all things Tonda. They'd seen and known me from the beginning of "me" and loved me unconditionally. They know me so intimately that with one of my friends, I didnt know how I was ever going to marry anyone because he knew me better than a husband ever would. After that seperation, I was rather lost and had to learn to be my own sounding board and my own help when I needed it. I learned to manage on my own. The deeper the feeling, the more I withdrew from telling anyone what I felt. When I did share what I felt with someone, no one understood anyway. So many people are surface oriented and have to be that way to keep going in a world that moves the speed of light. I was told that I shouldnt "feel" so much. Why share my feelings with people who dont think any deeper than bath water? I stopped talking about my feelings at all until it was necessary and even then tried to avoid it.

Ultimately, I struggle with sharing how I feel and knowing how deep to go or whether to let anyone in at all. I dont trust anyone but God with my real feelings anymore. Too many times, Ive been disappointed when men want me for the wrong reasons. Ive been disappointed when women who start off my friends end up jealous and mean spirited because they arent as confident as me. The funny part is that Im not all that emotionally confident. However, I believe in a God that said "I am That, I am". That tells me that whatever I need Him to be, He is that. Whatever I may lack or fear, God will be come that which I need and protect my heart from hurt.

I can express myself here and with this blog, Im trying to be a bit more open. I cant promise that itll always work but Im going to trust God to keep me moving forward in my lane...