"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." ~Maya Angelou

I'm floored... I keep trying to make this all make sense but it doesn't...

I've known a man for over 20 years. I didn't trust dude in high school. Something about him didn't sit right with me. I had the biggest crush ever on him but could not make that feeling of gloom and doom go away. Later that week, I found out why. He had a girlfriend... He was blacklisted from that point on. It didn't make me like him less but I believed the feeling that he'd never be anything but a cheater.

Fast forward 20 years and we met again. At this point, I'm studying to graduate from college (finally) and then on to theology school. I'm dedicated to my walk with Christ and, to my belief system, so going on to theology school isn't strange to me. He claims to be a young pastor nowadays; working toward becoming pastor of his current church. I'm happy for him but something still doesn't sit right with me. I don't claim to be perfect but its rare that my instinct fails me. We speak a little further and agree to meet for lunch when our schedules allowed. I was excited! I had a lunch date with a guy I had such a crush on in high school.

Our schedules ended up conflicting so I met him for a small break he had from teaching a class at the school I attended. He was just as handsome as I remembered! As a woman, it was refreshing to touch base with someone who was polished and seemed like a decent man. However, that red light went off again for me. Five minutes later, I couldn't get the man past a conversation about when I was going to let him finish what he started with me in high school. No matter how I tried to speak of things non-sexual, this "pastor" kept bringing it back... After days of trying and outlining my intent to live a holy life, I never did get him to come back. He stopped talking to me when he realized I wasn't going to fall for his game. I found out later that the guy is married with step kids. He told me that he was divorced but his ex-wife still speaks of love and how much she misses him. Why lie?

K, so, I'm not perfect. I fell into a little bit of suggestive texting, and wanting to bite the dude in a few places but I never did swerve out of my lane.

I know that people are doing things of a sexual nature all the time. I've been where they are. I am a single mother after all. I understand where the need comes from but, for me, when I gave my life to Christ, I gave it all the way. I mess up, I make mistakes, and I'm convicted every time. I feel like absolute crap anytime I sin because, I hold myself responsible and accountable for living up to the contract I made with God. I'm not perfect and I fall from time to time. God's grace covers me when I do but that grace shouldn't be taken advantage of or used as an excuse to continue to break the commandments. I feel like this man is exploiting his position to get what he wants from women. Women come to him for help and he is taking advantage of their insecurities and doubts about men. Not to mention, most are trying hard to find a good man and a man who says hes a pastor puts a target on his back. I can bet that he loves every shot that target gets him... Hell awaits unless he can get it together.

I was floored but I'm learning that my obedience brings its own blessings. It was a blessing that I never believed him. It was a blessing that I saw the signs before my heart was even a tiny bit invested. It was a blessing that I was obedient to my celibacy. The blessing in this situation was that he left me alone and left room for the real men to put in their applications. Its hard and I don't have the luxury of being ignorant or stupid to this line of game but God will bless me as long as I stay the course... and stay in my lane.