Moving Forward

I had writer’s block. Stupid writer’s block! Many times I’m unsure of where things fall into place for me and writing helps to focus my thoughts and inject into others what God has put in my spirit. There are also times when nothing comes to me. The thoughts are there but are none too focused or, as of yet, unperceived in the focus. And, that is where I sit now. My thoughts are raging but I have no real focus to get those thoughts together. Stupid writer’s block.

Sometimes you just have to take a step forward. Whether that step is a big step or a small step, it’s forward motion. The steps that you found so hard to take get easier after that. So I took the first step to getting past the block, I started writing. I stared at this blank page and typed what I saw and what I felt in my head.

The genius of things that are difficult is the ability of those situations to help you redefine what you are. They test us and require us to do things that we’ve never done to achieve a specified goal. Either you have the tenacity to continue to press through the difficulty or you don’t. There are things that can hinder you, distract you, or send you into a tailspin because they’re not going the way you intended. Its times like those that you have to focus, dig your heels in and press to take that next step. Then after that step, you take another one. The steps get easier after that. Once the fear of taking that first step is lifted, all things are possible.

I remember being afraid to move forward. I had a wonderful relationship that went bad and I was afraid to move forward thinking that I would never be able to find a man as amazing as he was. How could I? He was and still is one in a million and he set the standard so high that no one was able to reach it. However, I had to move past the past. I had to take the steps necessary to heal. The first step of letting go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through but I did it. My Pastor says, “When the pain of staying the same is more than the pain of change, you’ll change.” I had to change…

It reminds me of pushing a car that for one reason or another isn’t running. You try to get it started but it won’t run for you. You finally give up, turn the key to the on position, throw it in neutral, let someone else steer if possible, and push as hard as you can to get it rolling to where you need it to get to until it can be repaired. After that first push to get it rolling, the pushing gets much easier. The most effort is spent to get it moving from a standstill. Nine times out of ten, the pushing once it’s rolling isn’t as laborious as at the start.

More times than I can count, I’ve had to step outside of myself to heal some things and keep moving forward. I’ve had that stall happen to me and I couldn’t seem to get myself started again. My personal repairs, band-aids, or fix-it’s didn’t work and I had no other alternative than to step outside of the problem and push past it. I was afraid sometimes to even try to start because who knew what could happen? Would I be able to push past it, what was it going to cost me to fix this problem, and would it even be repairable? That fear would quickly negate my need to get past the problem. It would render me so blind to anything other than the problem that I couldn’t see that all I had to do was step outside and push. I had to learn to counteract the fear or I would always focus on the problem as opposed to the solution.

Somewhere along my life, I’ve learned one of my most personal and valuable lessons: If it can’t kill you, what are you afraid of? Most fears are based in a fear of death. Once you learn that it can’t kill you, you stop being afraid. Moving forward wasn’t going to kill me so I stopped being afraid. I finally started to push and shockingly enough, the pushing wasn’t as bad as my fear had made it to be.

To keep moving forward after pain, is difficult but, all growth is. You have to make the decision to keep living or let yourself be suspended by problems that just need a push to get them moving again. Don’t let fear freeze you and arrest your future. Just get out and push. Once you’ve started pushing and the pushing suddenly becomes easier, don’t be shocked. God has stepped in and picked up that weight for you. You only have to trust Him and make the first step. Fear and faith can’t occupy the same space at the same time. You have to choose which one will occupy your space. I guess you already know what my choice was.

I’m still afraid of spiders, though. They’re creepy…

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Tonda and the Stripper

Tonda and the Stripper

Yeah, he’s a dancer. I seem to be meeting a lot of them since joining Facebook. I’m on a first name basis with at least 5 of them, nowadays. They promote their shows and have the girls blushing at what they do on stage, make them giggle when they show them any personal attention, and have most of these women thinking rather dirty thoughts. I don’t go to strip shows because of my commitment to God. I don’t go to clubs at all anymore so promotion efforts are wasted on me but they’re sweet guys that ask for prayers and encouragement.

I was outside of all the girly giggly patter. After, having had a model for a boyfriend, I was privy to a lot of ways women act when they see attractive men. It’s needless to say that they were a lot of times, very blunt with what they envision with these eye-catching men. Then, just like now, I stand outside of that throng of women and just observe. At least until I got a message from one such gentleman that I didn’t know.

He asked me to add him and I asked who he was. In hindsight, for my own promotional purposes, I probably should have just added him and not thought about it but something about him gave me pause. From that, we started carrying on a conversation through messages. I teased him, made jokes, and asked questions. I’m not sure what lead me but I didn’t even look at his pictures until halfway during this conversation. I’m generally curious about people so I asked a lot of questions that he very sweetly answered. I was impressed that he didn’t seem to be bothered by all my personal inquiries but he did mention that he was a personal kind of guy. It didn’t dawn on me that he was a dancer until he said the word “perform”. The light went on then… (DUH!! LOL)

My belief system and just my general need to please God stop me from stepping into anything outside of friendship with him but I like his personality. My curiosity is peaked because I really would like to know what kind of person he is. Not in any “trying to holla at you” kind of way but just in a “hey, this person is cool” way. He makes me want to know what he thinks. What made him go into this line of work? How does it affect his relationships? What are his goals? Does he plan on doing this forever?

I’ve realized that people are people. It takes a multitude to make the world what it is. I don’t judge him at all. It’s not my place but it did bring some shocking things into light for me. How many women of God who aren’t really women of God would have immediately disregarded him or treated him badly in front of church members but would have been stuffing his string later? But I digress…

Knowing how women react to men who look like he does, who’s going to be the standout to him? Who’s the difference? I guess that my concern is that I don’t want to be one of his fans. Maybe all women feel that way. They all want to be special and not a part of the masses of women overcome by lust. If I’m put into any category, I want to be a friend. Someone he can call when he needs to talk or pray. Yeah, strippers pray. He can take off all of his cool with me, keep his clothes on, and I’ll still appreciate him for who he is.

Under all the layers, or lack of layers, as it were, he’s still a person. It’s his job to sell a fantasy. The fantasy he creates is not what he is and, through our conversation, I understand that he really is NOT his job. So, I’m going to stay his friend, cook for him, invite him to church with me, and try my best to avoid those green eyes of his. They really could be a woman’s undoing…


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You called me a what?

You called me a what????

It took me a while. I mean, it seriously took me a while for the whole concept to sink in! I am not what people call me! Seems simple, right? Most concepts seem that way. Hence the quote, "Easier said than done". This quote epitomized the main reason that it took so long for it to sink in for me.

I had a situation that confused me. It confused and concerned me so greatly that in order to rectify the issue, I needed to do some research into myself. I went to a doctor who confirmed what I'd been feeling and put a label to the condition. Fortunately for me, I also have friends that helped me pin down what it was that confused me.

I went to an amazing and trusted friend that I love dearly. He listened intently and said that he knew exactly what was wrong with me and that it was normal for me. My jaw hit the floor! Normal for me? How was it normal for me and I had no clue about it? Apparently, he'd noticed it long ago and thought I was aware and understood, though I’d never mentioned it to him. He further explained to me, with no indication of what my doctor had told me, what my symptoms were, how I felt, and what to do to counteract them. From that well-intended conversation, I was ready to adopt my friend's assessment of what I was and what I do, wholeheartedly. The explanation made sense to me. It fit what I was going through and what I believed to be true about myself. What hit me hardest was the fact that his assessment made so much sense!! I believed I finally had an understanding of what was making me so miserable. He explained to me that this issue I was having was one that was just a part of who I was and, now that I knew, I could live with it and be happy. At first, I was happy.

For days, I was relieved that I knew my problem. However, the rectification of my issue was one that completely went against what I believe in. It drew a bright red line through all the things I'd decided to be and hold dear. It went against all the promises I'd made to God and the responsibilities I held myself accountable for on my walk with Christ. I lived with the assessment for days but started to feel that I didn’t enjoy the title it put on me or the way I may be viewed and would view myself if I accepted this as a reason for my behavior.

I started to pray about it. I pray about everything that bothers me but this bothered me more deeply because it was in such a violation of what God called me to be. I prayed and asked God for some kind of clarity. The assessment my friend had given me made so much sense! It explained everything for me. I had confirmation from all sorts of sources. I talked to my doctor, did some internet research, joined a group related to the issue, and, ultimately found comfort in the assessment and the solutions I was given. However, that comfort was short lived. Why couldn't I live with what I knew? Why couldn’t I agree and just be happy?

How many of you know that when God loves you, He will change everything about you that you think makes sense? God revealed to me that I didn’t have to be anything I didn’t want to be. While the evidence in front of me made sense and felt like truth, I didn’t have to accept that truth. God doesn’t deal with fact, he deals with the truth. I could take this assessment and have it become my truth. I could also decide to be what I want to be because God has empowered me to change what I am into what He is. I made the decision to hold my ground and not accept what facts were in front of me. There's a saying, "You have to face the facts". You DO have to face the facts that make you unhappy but you have to face them to tell them that, "I believe in God's truth, not your facts."

What was revealed to me later was that some things are holy. Holy by definition is something that is consecrated, dedicated or set apart for religious purposes. The Bible says in Romans 12:1-2, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

When I made the decision to follow Christ and start my walk with God, I was transformed into a new creature with a renewed mind. I wasn’t the same anymore and therefore my soul was no longer governed by things in the natural. I became holy. Holy by choice and holy by design. I was consecrated, dedicated and set apart from all things that could not be considered holy. For this reason, I did not have to accept what was given to me as an explanation for who I was by something other than what the Holy Spirit placed upon me. God has already told me who I was and my wonderful friend’s assessment was not it. I say it all the time but it bears repeating here: No matter what anyone thinks of you, even what God thinks of you, all of it means nothing if you don’t believe it yourself. You have to believe that you ARE what God called you to be.

Upon this realization, and with the gift of deliverance, all the physical symptoms that plagued me disappeared. All the thoughts that made me feel like a violator of God's law took a backseat to a longing to understand the things of God until those thoughts disappeared, too. That renewing helped me to fulfill that Word of God, "that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Through my deliverance, I was proven good, acceptable, and within the perfect will of God.

Don’t just accept what's given to you. Even if it makes sense to everyone else, if it doesn’t fit with what God has given you to be, you do not have to accept it. God is concerned with Truth, not facts. The truth is that you are above the facts. God didn’t design you with hindrances in mind. Anything you need to overcome, He'll move for you. His word says, "All things are possible for them that love Him." For those who strive after His heart, all things are haveable, attainable, tangible, and blessed. You only need believe in yourself.

Yay me for being hardheaded! It feels good...

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