Focus...

It's not easy to focus when youre distracted by things out of your control. My daydreams get in my way quite a bit… LOL. I have lots of dreams and daydreaming, while distracting, keeps me in touch with them.
I think too much. I have the kind of brain that moves exceptionally quick. Im at the end when everyone else is still getting the jist of what to do. I can rarely keep up with my thoughts which is why I love my laptop and new phone so much. Im never without the time to jot down my thoughts, ideas, dreams, stories, and what God tells me in whispers. In most instances, Im at the deep end of the thinking pool whereas most people try to keep it simple in the shallow end of things. Sometimes its good to know how to swim there but in the deep end, it’s a lot easier to drown.
The difficulty lies in trying to discern it all; what means what and what means not a whole lot. I can rarely do it alone and I need serious and steadfast divine intervention. I try not to put myself on those "thinking" roads that will lead me to negative thinking or negative actions but my brain travels faster than the speed of light. Its rare that I can stop myself unless I call on God before Im too far down that proverbial road of destruction.
All this is said to say that while people may seem to have it all together on the outside, a more likely case is that theyre just a junky mess of tangles and stuff-to-do's just like I am.
For some twisted reason, that makes me feel better… :)

Im not patient!!

Argh! LOL! There are days that I just throw in the towel and give it all over to God. The past week or so has been the epitome of those times. Being patient has never been my strong suit but slowly... *grinds her teeth* I'm learning what it means to wait on good things as opposed to getting half hearted efforts now. Anything worth having is worth working for and waiting for. No pain, no gain...

I dont get it...

Clarity is elusive for me right now. As soon as I feel like I have a handle on seeing the goal, it slips away from me like trying to hold on to clouds.

It goes to show that money has no bearing on my mood or on my feelings. Im full of "why's" and "why not's". "How is it that's" arent too far behind. Question with no answers frustrates me...

My best friend called me fire the other day. When he thinks of me, he doesnt think of anything other than fire. I struggled to understand the analogy. I get it to a certain extent.

"Why?" is prevelant again?

Why doesn't he see me?
If he does, why doesn't he say anything?
Why doesn't he love me when everyone else around me does?
Why? Why? Why?

**Place frustrated scream here**

Here's what ticks me off: I dont even want to violate my celibacy. I only want to be held and hugged. I wanna just lay in someone's arms until I fall asleep. However, for some odd reason, it never seems to be what men are looking for. Im not allowed comfort if Im not exchanging the sex.

I get the fact that men are men. Always have been, always will be. Its not a bad thing, it just is what it is. Men are sexual creatures and I dont begrudge them that. But, as a woman, trying to live holy, life is truly like a box of crazy chocolates. You really never know what youre going to get. So, in my effort to stay chaste, I avoid intimacy at all costs. Even a certain level of conversational intimacy is reserved for, well, the intimate. Im not a woman who misunderstands my sensuality or sexuality, therefore, my celibacy is a situation where tempation is not allowed. I stay out of tempting situations. I steer clear of things that may be misconstrued as such. I dont try to tempt anyone and I try not to let anyone tempt me.... too much, anyway.

My frustration isnt with the actual intercourse part of things. My frustration is based in lack of being close enough to someone that the line drawn in the sand for my celibacy isnt in jeopardy of being violated. Better still, he's strong enough to respect the line, loves me enough to respect the line, cherishes me enough to enjoy just being with me, and treats time with me alone as sacred...

Sometimes this lane is a tear-inducing, frustration-enhancing mess but it's mine. As my best friend says, I got the best good strong back for this sh#t...

I lied...

Okay, so I wasnt honest. Is that a crime? Umm, I know its wrong so you dont have to tell me. Ive been lying to myself but I just let the realization wash over me so I dont feel too bad.

I'm not the least bit, a regretful person. Im of the mind that life is what it is and you make it better after mistakes. Learn the lessons and praise God for the grace that covers you to move from a new space with those lessons learned. I dont work in regrets.

Ive been regretting things lately, however. I've been rehearsing my mistakes over and over again for some odd reason. There are times when its adventageous to review your journey and appreciate the "then to now". This thing for me, though, was rather harsh and not constructive at all. I put myself through the ringer because of one situation. Mind you, the situation is not at all ideal but my impatience in this situation is making me angry. One thing shouldnt effect everything else but this one does for me.

Heres the lesson Ive learned. Frustration in any form is like a cancer. It mutates everything around it. Changes it and warps it until the healthy cell is producing the same mutations and meanwhile is killing its host. Ive been systematically living with this ruckus and out cold cancer thats eating me alive. ! God has so much for me and without being rational, Im letting my feelings rule me. The Bible says in Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I,unfortunately, wasnt doing that! Why would I do that? Let me tell you why?

Because Im frustrated!! Duh!!! This lane, this lane...

Im gonna figure it out...

I prayed today because I didnt know how to feel. Thats sounds funny but I promise that my last few weeks have been tumultous. Ive been good at keeping my heat level level but its not easy. The funny part is that even when Im not heated, Im being thought of as such. Amazing how people who should know you, dont. Even more amazing that people underestimate you but still manage to encourage you... How conflicting is that?

I worked hard to try and figure it out on my own but it continues to elude and frustrate me. For the first time, in a long time, I cant write about it. I cant sing it out, I cant talk it out, I'm even having trouble praying it out...

What has me a touch anxious is that I've never felt like this before. It makes me wonder what's ahead for me and what it is that Im going to find out about myself when this is resolved.

Im preparing for whatever this is... and hoping it quits blocking my freaking lane.

I wanna scream...

Im trying to not scream!!! I am just at the end of all my tolerance and I wanna scream. School, work, singing, my son, laundry, student loans, and everything else under the sun.

Frustration in one area leads to frustration in every other area for me. Im really trying....

Im going to go and scream now.

P.S. Im using all I know not to slap him... Wow...

Just the basics...

**With my head under my pillow** Im so tired!!! I never realized how much more busy I could be until I got busier!

Im walking a path I was put on by my Holy Father. Im ridiculously happy that things are happening much faster than I hoped but Im still so tired! LOL. I refuse to stop or to slow down but my laundry is suffering a bunch because of my increased work load.

Its a time in my life that I think to myself, "I wish I just had someone to come and play in my hair until I fall asleep." or wishing I had the person who can comfort me after a long day of comforting others. I hate to admit that I think it quite often and it constantly brings into stark reality that I am a single woman with high standards.

I trust God. I trust this path and this life that Ive been called to but when Im home nights after a long day of doing things for others, what do I have for myself? What do I have to call my own? I have my son true enough. There are times with parenthood that I have to convince myself not to be upset that all things rest on me. In the end, I prefer it but it still doesnt make it easier.

The basics are that, the path I walk, isnt for the timid or the weak. The path I walk is tiring, rewarding, heartbreaking, joyful, tear-filled, and the most amazing thing Ive ever done in my life. Sometimes its just hard to see the road when emotions block your view.

I pray that God moves me higher. The higher you are the more you can see. The higher you are, the more the enemy can see you. No matter if I make an easy target, I need to be higher. The higher I go, the closer I am to seeing what's ahead of me and, plus, Daddy gave me a force field from attack called the Bible.... Mess with me if you wanna, enemy... you gone go home hurting!!!

I still need someone to come and rub my head for me, though... Im still human.