In Progress...

Eventually, Im going to start taking pics of me and my moods and posting them here. I keep procrastinating about it because I have more fun finding pics online that convey my moods. But, Im a work in progress... :)

Life can be so amazing when you trust God enough to let go, trust your friends enough to hold on, trust your heart to hold you down, and trust your Spirit to hold you up. Breathe, trust, and believe... Life is the miracle we make it.
~Tonda

I try hard...

I try really hard. I try hard to keep my distance. I keep trying to keep my heart out of equations but I think Ive finally learned that its not going to happen. More than one situation lately has shown me that I dont have a choice.
My ex-boyfriend used to call me "Bathwater" or "Bath" because whoever was in my presence was washed in my warmth and my heart. He said that there was no place that I didnt touch him or that he didnt feel me when I was in love with him. When I wasnt, he told me it felt exactly like the time directly when you come out of the bath, freezing and uncomfortable. He felt blocked from the heat when I was angry with him... but eventually, he got back to a place where he and I were "warm" again. He explained that people feel it physicallly when I withdraw and go to place to heal my heart after its been broken because even my broken heart is warmer than that freezing out.
For a long time, the analogy escaped me on all but the outside level. I guess I never really thought about it too long. I was brokenhearted at the time and I couldnt think of much else. I get what he means now.
I try not to envelope people too much because what Ive learned is that everyone doesnt deserve the priviledge of knowing you. I have to remember that actively because usually, Im happy to invite people in and some can be damaging and selfish.
I can be "Bath". I can be the warmth, acceptance, and love that is unjudging and selfless. However, Im going to change my decision making paradigm on who gets to see that warmth and love. Its a little too precious to leave in incapable hands...

Hello?

As a performer, I'm used to hearing people tell me how wonderful I sound. While I'm not arrogant, I've grown used to peoples reactions when I open my mouth to give back what God gave me. As a fashionista, I'm also used to people loving my outfits, hair, shoes, whatever. If I love it, I'm going to do it but I'm doubly excited when others love it as much as me.
As a performer and a performers' ex-girlfriend, I understand putting your heart in what you love, what God has gifted you and not having others appreciate or understand all the time. I understand the triumphs and the crashes. I'm safeguarded in Christ because with Him, if you're moving in your purpose, there's no crash. Ain't nobody or nothing to crash into. But, I digress...
What hurts the most as a performer, no matter what you do, is when the people you love don't "see" you. I think its true for anyone. When your efforts aren't recognized, you can start to doubt yourself. You struggle to find the balance between the nameless droves that love the "you" on the stage and the person you love that doesn't see you. Its heartbreaking. Its like drowning. You struggle with all your might to keep your head above water and the person you love is sitting on the shore stoicly staring but not helping. (That's the dream I had last night.)
Here's why I don't care about people or my special him "seeing" me anymore: God sees me. God always sees me. He never looks away, never has plans that are more important than watching over me. Instead of applause, He blesses me. Nothing else to me matters. When I sing, I sing for great masses of audiences but, in my heart, I'm singing to an audience of One. The One...

Sensitivity...

I was pissed this week. I worked my tail off to do everything for everyone else, or so it seemed. I was drained dry, exhausted, and pulled off getting good grades on my finals. Did anyone care? NO!!! I was hurt that no one gave a damn…. Then I had to remember that I didn’t do it for anyone else to care about what I did or didn’t do. I had to remember that my life is a testament to me and God… who care what anyone else thinks about how good or bad I did…. I forget sometimes that I do this for that little boy and that’s it…. Im proud of me.