I love a man. I love him lots and lots. However, I do not want to love him... LOL. I laugh now because I'm okay with feeling that way. For weeks, I couldnt reconcile the feelings I was having. I lashed out at him, me, and everyone else that I possibly could. It didnt help...
I had a crush on him for years without really knowing him. Before I knew him, I somehow felt like the man was a part of my destiny. I had no clue the capacity but there is something that draws me to him. I've only ever felt like this with one other man and he was meant to be a part of my life. This former love was also the reason I avoided the new love at all costs!! LOL. Plus, the new loves situation didnt make for us to tiptoe in the tulips...
Before we ever met the first time officially, I had a dream about him. I was on a ship with the sun setting. I was walking on the promenade down a white satin aisle. I was in a dress that faded from white to my pink... I was wearing gardenias in my hair (not that I can see them but in any dream you just seem to know things that make no sense in real life.)... I was carrying a bouquet of lollipops, gardenias, and white peonies... I looked up and my arm was linked with my dad's and my mom's... I was all smiles. I got to the end of the promenade and looked down the aisle. I saw my 6'4" pastor and him... He put his hand on his chest when he saw me and smiled so big his jaw was going to break... I knew that this was going to be the best part of my life starting as soon as I said, I do...
I dont know what it all means but I know that Ive never forgotten the dream. Meeting him officially didnt change the way I felt. On the contrary, its intensified. while he's far from perfect and has no clue how to handle me and my personality (LMAO!!) I keep seeing him in my future. I try not to love him but he keeps reminding me why I ended up in this situation in the first place. I keep trying to be devils' advocate and tell myself bad stuff about him but the love still stays.
Trying not to love someone is like balancing on a pin... no matter the weight, its still going to stick you! I struggled to figure out what God wanted for me and what I was seeing as my future. I discovered that it was okay for me to love him from right where I am emotionally, physically, and logistically. If this man is meant to be in my lane then God would converge the roads!!! LOL. But, the trick was to love God more than I love him; to love God more than I love anyone. That prospect freed my heart from struggling and from the misappropriation of emotions; good and bad. I cant say that I'll be content with loving him quietly forever but, for the moment, Im okay with it. Im still in my lane and on my lovely fuschia celibacy square trying not to teeter... LOL
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