I want to kiss you...

i want to kiss you
shatter you
jawline against touch
touch you
scent of musk
saltwater and seafoam
clean
Want to kiss you near God
amongst strangers
I dare either to stop me
Keep me
Want to kiss you bitter
tired of waiting
wondering
want to kiss you empty
steady as forever
small as favor
maybe kiss you
curve where shoulder
meets neck
or silk of throat
perhaps rough of chin
inside elbows
wrists
then rest
smooth of chest
back
hip to hip
dip of belly
want to hold you entwined
like vows
palm against palm
fingers laced
and waiting
I want to kiss you
unbroken
before too many hearts
snap like dried
and dead things
this longing like fire
like hunger
like nothing before
or since
Just one small
solitary kiss
no questions
no worries
no words
just a kiss
quiet
quick
subtle
silent


itll probably speak volumes...

By Bassey Ikpi

Sometimes someone else can say it better than I can. Today is that day for me...

To you...

There are days, like today, that its hard to love you. Not hard in that its difficult but hard as in its hard to not show how I feel for you. I chose a rough way to go but still, Id rather love here than to never show faith enough to love without reason.

I said this blog would be intensely personal but I daily question whether I should air this particular thing I feel because it is such an intimate.... thing. I keep skirting around its edges as if, in this space, the divulging itself is dangerous ground to tread on.

What do you do when you love someone? What do you do when you've chosen to continue to love this person despite what you hear, and see, and hear again...

I was in a long distance relationship once. He was and still is one of the most amazing men Ive ever known. We ended the relationship because of what we were going through at the time and the lack of proper timing for both of us but I loved him more than any man romantically I'd ever been with. I still believe he's my twin soul. However, I'd have already killed him if I had stayed with him... :)

I loved him from afar. I kinda had to because he lived in Brooklyn, NY and I was in Michigan. I started to equate that immense love to loving God. Not at all in the same manner but in lack of seeing the object of that which you love but loving them all the same. I've never seen God but love him. I saw Chris daily through pics and by webcam. I talked to him all the time by phone, instant message, and email. What calmed my frustration at not seeing him face to face was that I could see Chris eventually, I needed to have astounding faith that I'd see God who is much harder to see face to face.... :) It was a question of faith and real love.

1 John 4:20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

So when I say its hard to love, it is... But, I can see you everyday. I can talk to you everyday. I can hear you laugh, see you smile, believe in you, pray for you, and stay here in my lane... I'll get over the rest.

I believe God has a plan for my life. Im following that plan to within an inch of my natural life. I put nothing and no one above that destiny but I can still love you. I've learned that loving you doesnt diminish me or make me susceptible to heartbreak. It doesnt make me stupid or naive. It doesnt make me vulnerable to the pain that may come from a future without you. Trusting in God and believing that He has my best waiting for me and, since I have no clue what that is, Im allowed to say that I love you...

I feel protected by the grace of God and that makes me smile. Im waving and blowing you kisses from my lane... LOL just dont get distracted and crash watching me!! Yeah, I know you watch!

I vow...

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would remain honest. I vowed that I would be as forthcoming as I could be and not be fearful of any repercussions about how anyone may feel about what I say. Im not going to try to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, mind you. I would exercise tact and never mention names but Id be true to what I feel and this journey Im on.

I was also of the mind that not many people would read this anyway. I only hoped the people important to me would. That being said, I still wish to be candid and hopefully, someone can be blessed by the lessons Ive learned from.

Since my brain isnt connecting to higher functionality today, Ill end this...

Im holding my breath... and wobbling sleepily down my lane... Im hoping the destiny cops dont pull me over... LOL

???

Once youve stepped into destiny and you've found the way that God intended for you, what do you do with your friends? Not the ones who are expendable. LOL. The ones who are undiscernably linked to your life. The people that know everything about you, the people that love you regardless of what they know about you. The ones who prop you up and help you to understand about yourself what the world never could. But, they have demons attached to them that they cant or are unwilling to break free from.

What do you do? What do I do?

I cant imagine my life without my best friend as my best friend but some spirit issues have a way of dragging everything around them into the same mess.

Its easy to let go of things that dont have much impact on your life or your feelings. Ive been very good at compartmentalizing how I love people against how much of their lives Im responsible for. However, I cant imagine a seperation here.

I heard one solution from a friend today that seemed so drastic to me. So selfish. It was that if the best friends behavior doesnt change and he doesnt want to change, I would and should eventually cut him off. Wow... I probably needed to explain more accurately but you can't put a 20-year friendship and love into words that well.

In thinking, I dont think this friend is all the way correct. I believe that love covers all things and no matter how deep into the abyss my best friend may ride, I love him enough to go there with him and bring him back out. There are times when love has to be something that you go to the mat for. This friend has been there and has gone to the mat before. He's been enriched as a person because of his journey. Maybe he wants to protect me in case my best friend does come crashing down on himself.

If I should not be able to help my best friend get his delivery, I will not feel personally responsible because I know that you cant make a grown person do a damn thing. I will be heartbroken because my best friend is one of the most amazing men I know.

The future is a funny place and is always changing. Im realizing that God made our minds without the ability to predict the future for the realization of faith. If you know what's to come, how would you ever learn to trust God through your trials. Sometimes its better not to know the outcome and increase your faith to change the things you do see into what you want to see...

LOL... I keep thinking of the Terminator 2 movie... Edward Furlong who played the young John Connor quoted his mothers poem and said, "the future is not set. There's not fate but what we make... "

Ive never done the status quo. Ive never done what anyone else thought I should. I follow my heart and, more importantly, what God leads me to do. Only the weak let go when theyre scared or things dont go their way. Ill let go when I feel like I cant go any longer and run into risking myself. But, isnt that the crux of love? Letting Others have the Victory at your Expense... Sometimes, that thought is lost on those who should know it best...

I got strong shoulders to rest this weight on... and this lane of life was made for me.

Stepping into destiny...

I really don't feel like blogging but Im going to. My first Sunday with the praise team was today. I cant mention at all how blessed I was by singing but, wow, how difficult to keep singing and feel the spirit and have to maintain... LOL. No matter the difficulty, I knew when I was at rehearsal that I had walked into my destiny.

I felt like I finally am where I should be. This assignment is what I was made for. I just cant explain how I feel... I had to stop driving on rehearsal day because of how fast my heart was beating. I felt like my heart was going to burst free and paint the sky with my joy...

How amazing to know that what makes me happy is exactly what God gave me as a gift to give back to Him... This lane is exactly what I need it to be...

Randoms...

I know how I feel today but it's been a crazy feeling kind of day...

I try to control all this I feel. Control, however, is an illusion. I can only hold on sometimes.

My air... dude is morphing into my air...


Its better to keep quiet some days and hold your tongue... Today was a "keep quiet, get off the phone, and fuss on FB about how you feel" day...


God loves me more than I can ever love myself...


I hate feeling like I need to study more, no matter how much I study...


Good food is the bomb...


I deleted all my profiles that my best friend set up for me on the dating sites. I dont need to be on a dating site that seems to only be online booty calls... LOL.
So not going to happen with me...


Im kind of done with the whole dating thing. What's the point? I keep running into the strangest people. Im going to stay home... LOL


I thought of why Im on the path Im on... Someone told me that they dont quite understand why I chose the path I did... I, in absolutely love, explained to them that I didnt choose it, God did... And who am I to not stay in my lane...

Deepest feelings show themselves in siLence.....like when they look at you and see your heart or when you feel their touch and know that you matter.... :))

Not a word....

Its being in his space. That's all... Being where he is even if I can never say how I feel about him. Somehow, its empty without him in it... Lost of it charm, sweetness, and life... but just being in his space gives me joy. Gives me what I need to push through another day...

Its him...

Nothing has to be said, not a word crosses my lips, and Im alright...


Its just.... him...


Here's to hoping the lanes converge...

I am such a nerd. I can readily admit that I love to learn. Its just that some of the things in my head are some sort of randomness that can not be quantified!!! Im telling you that the amount of things that maintain a constant residency in brain are staggering.

Parts of songs Ive forgotten, bad jokes, movie quotes, more bad jokes, the little rabbit foo foo song, dance steps to the Bobby Brown video "Every Little Step", dance steps to the New Edition video for "If it isn't love", how to curse in Spanish... things that no one needs!LOL!

For some reason, I remember all the words to a song called "Sevion" that I learned in the 4th grade. Dont ask me why a little black Christian girl learned dreidel and Hanukkah songs but I was a progressive child.

Im worried that my brain has a capacity issue!! Not enough memory to store my randomness and what I actually need to retain!! Im working so hard to memorize bible verses to use as application for life. I cant get the theme song from the 80's cartoon Jem out of my head! But, then again, she is excitement, adventure, glamour, glitter, fashion and fame...

Im nervous that nowadays, every time I learn something new, Im going to have to throw something else out. Im going to eventually forget the words to the Jewish holiday songs and the "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck" ditty because Im going to have to remember all my passwords and pin numbers for everything!

Maybe my mind is made of some stretchy type of substance that can conform and shape every time I put another thing into it like some subconscious Force Flex bag. The only reason I cant remember it all because what Im looking for always falls to the bottom. Old things tend to come to the top when you dont need them and you cant find them when ya looking for them. Some things are just a matter of looking through things long enough till you find it. Which tends to happen when you're doing something completely different.

The things I come up with make me laugh... I've been giggling at the picture of the Force Flex thing all day...

Im in my rather goofy lane...

Caterpillar potential...

It dawned on me today that I keep feeling like Im moving through a major change. Like Im moving toward a new season in my natural life and in my life with Christ. Ive never felt like this before nor have I ever felt so much like I needed to be surrounded with the things of God.

I feel like a freaking caterpillar. When a caterpillar is born, it has no clue what its born to be. It moves along in its life and probably has no clue that its soon going to undergo a major change in its existence. It just goes along surviving and doing its best to follow its instinct. All of a sudden, it starts to feel the change coming. It starts to fill up on what it needs to keep itself sustained. It searches for privacy and a quiet place to undergo what it knows not. It wraps itself in the coverings of what will facilitate the change. It eventually changes into something more than it ever expected or anticipated.

I have no clue what Im going to be but what I do know is that I have no room to receive it, just like the caterpillar. What I am right now doesnt have the capacity necesary to bring about what God has in store for me, so Im going through a transition to bring me closer to my destiny through Christ Jesus. All the things essential for the caterpillar are also paramount for me. I felt this change coming and had to look to God for the courage to take another step. I had to fill up on His Word to keep myself sustained while moving through. I searched for the safety and peace of my quiet place in God to feel safe from the world during my change. I wrap myself in the armor of God that will contain my change and keep me safe until my wings are ready...

My friend Virginia told me as our wings form and begin to stretch it is a bittersweet song in our hearts. I know shes right. You cant take anyone on that change with you no matter how you may feel about them. They have to make their own changes. Sometimes when you change and people you love don't, the change can be bittersweet. But, for me, I believe that what God has for me, He didnt intend for anyone else.

I trust this process and I trust my Holy God that brought me to this place of change. Im on my road to being a butterfly... now to just outlast the process and stay in my lane...

Ugh... LOL

I love a man. I love him lots and lots. However, I do not want to love him... LOL. I laugh now because I'm okay with feeling that way. For weeks, I couldnt reconcile the feelings I was having. I lashed out at him, me, and everyone else that I possibly could. It didnt help...

I had a crush on him for years without really knowing him. Before I knew him, I somehow felt like the man was a part of my destiny. I had no clue the capacity but there is something that draws me to him. I've only ever felt like this with one other man and he was meant to be a part of my life. This former love was also the reason I avoided the new love at all costs!! LOL. Plus, the new loves situation didnt make for us to tiptoe in the tulips...

Before we ever met the first time officially, I had a dream about him. I was on a ship with the sun setting. I was walking on the promenade down a white satin aisle. I was in a dress that faded from white to my pink... I was wearing gardenias in my hair (not that I can see them but in any dream you just seem to know things that make no sense in real life.)... I was carrying a bouquet of lollipops, gardenias, and white peonies... I looked up and my arm was linked with my dad's and my mom's... I was all smiles. I got to the end of the promenade and looked down the aisle. I saw my 6'4" pastor and him... He put his hand on his chest when he saw me and smiled so big his jaw was going to break... I knew that this was going to be the best part of my life starting as soon as I said, I do...

I dont know what it all means but I know that Ive never forgotten the dream. Meeting him officially didnt change the way I felt. On the contrary, its intensified. while he's far from perfect and has no clue how to handle me and my personality (LMAO!!) I keep seeing him in my future. I try not to love him but he keeps reminding me why I ended up in this situation in the first place. I keep trying to be devils' advocate and tell myself bad stuff about him but the love still stays.

Trying not to love someone is like balancing on a pin... no matter the weight, its still going to stick you! I struggled to figure out what God wanted for me and what I was seeing as my future. I discovered that it was okay for me to love him from right where I am emotionally, physically, and logistically. If this man is meant to be in my lane then God would converge the roads!!! LOL. But, the trick was to love God more than I love him; to love God more than I love anyone. That prospect freed my heart from struggling and from the misappropriation of emotions; good and bad. I cant say that I'll be content with loving him quietly forever but, for the moment, Im okay with it. Im still in my lane and on my lovely fuschia celibacy square trying not to teeter... LOL

Struggles...

I cried when I woke up today. I was still thinking about a conversation I had with one of my best friends. He told me that I was becoming more and more like a recluse emotionally. I denied it adamantly but, as I tend to do, I take things people say of me and whirl it in my "brain blender". It was quite a shock to me that maybe he was right! How horrid! LOL.

I was aware of the hole that I make around myself. Ive found that same vortex at my church. For me to be as "expressive" as I am with my clothing and hairstyles, there are very few that can say they know me. The list outside of those who are family is extremely limited. I tend to keep my personal life personal because people tend to misjudge and jump to conclusions. So, the vacuum around me and my personal life is self-imposed. However, I never thought that I was in that same vaacum when it came to my heart.

I guess maybe I am a bit of a recluse and fiercly independent. I lost two of my best friends at the same time. Not to death or tragedy but to circumstance in their own lives that were hindering their time and contact with me. These for me, were no regular best friends. They were my sounding board for all things Tonda. They'd seen and known me from the beginning of "me" and loved me unconditionally. They know me so intimately that with one of my friends, I didnt know how I was ever going to marry anyone because he knew me better than a husband ever would. After that seperation, I was rather lost and had to learn to be my own sounding board and my own help when I needed it. I learned to manage on my own. The deeper the feeling, the more I withdrew from telling anyone what I felt. When I did share what I felt with someone, no one understood anyway. So many people are surface oriented and have to be that way to keep going in a world that moves the speed of light. I was told that I shouldnt "feel" so much. Why share my feelings with people who dont think any deeper than bath water? I stopped talking about my feelings at all until it was necessary and even then tried to avoid it.

Ultimately, I struggle with sharing how I feel and knowing how deep to go or whether to let anyone in at all. I dont trust anyone but God with my real feelings anymore. Too many times, Ive been disappointed when men want me for the wrong reasons. Ive been disappointed when women who start off my friends end up jealous and mean spirited because they arent as confident as me. The funny part is that Im not all that emotionally confident. However, I believe in a God that said "I am That, I am". That tells me that whatever I need Him to be, He is that. Whatever I may lack or fear, God will be come that which I need and protect my heart from hurt.

I can express myself here and with this blog, Im trying to be a bit more open. I cant promise that itll always work but Im going to trust God to keep me moving forward in my lane...

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." ~Maya Angelou

I'm floored... I keep trying to make this all make sense but it doesn't...

I've known a man for over 20 years. I didn't trust dude in high school. Something about him didn't sit right with me. I had the biggest crush ever on him but could not make that feeling of gloom and doom go away. Later that week, I found out why. He had a girlfriend... He was blacklisted from that point on. It didn't make me like him less but I believed the feeling that he'd never be anything but a cheater.

Fast forward 20 years and we met again. At this point, I'm studying to graduate from college (finally) and then on to theology school. I'm dedicated to my walk with Christ and, to my belief system, so going on to theology school isn't strange to me. He claims to be a young pastor nowadays; working toward becoming pastor of his current church. I'm happy for him but something still doesn't sit right with me. I don't claim to be perfect but its rare that my instinct fails me. We speak a little further and agree to meet for lunch when our schedules allowed. I was excited! I had a lunch date with a guy I had such a crush on in high school.

Our schedules ended up conflicting so I met him for a small break he had from teaching a class at the school I attended. He was just as handsome as I remembered! As a woman, it was refreshing to touch base with someone who was polished and seemed like a decent man. However, that red light went off again for me. Five minutes later, I couldn't get the man past a conversation about when I was going to let him finish what he started with me in high school. No matter how I tried to speak of things non-sexual, this "pastor" kept bringing it back... After days of trying and outlining my intent to live a holy life, I never did get him to come back. He stopped talking to me when he realized I wasn't going to fall for his game. I found out later that the guy is married with step kids. He told me that he was divorced but his ex-wife still speaks of love and how much she misses him. Why lie?

K, so, I'm not perfect. I fell into a little bit of suggestive texting, and wanting to bite the dude in a few places but I never did swerve out of my lane.

I know that people are doing things of a sexual nature all the time. I've been where they are. I am a single mother after all. I understand where the need comes from but, for me, when I gave my life to Christ, I gave it all the way. I mess up, I make mistakes, and I'm convicted every time. I feel like absolute crap anytime I sin because, I hold myself responsible and accountable for living up to the contract I made with God. I'm not perfect and I fall from time to time. God's grace covers me when I do but that grace shouldn't be taken advantage of or used as an excuse to continue to break the commandments. I feel like this man is exploiting his position to get what he wants from women. Women come to him for help and he is taking advantage of their insecurities and doubts about men. Not to mention, most are trying hard to find a good man and a man who says hes a pastor puts a target on his back. I can bet that he loves every shot that target gets him... Hell awaits unless he can get it together.

I was floored but I'm learning that my obedience brings its own blessings. It was a blessing that I never believed him. It was a blessing that I saw the signs before my heart was even a tiny bit invested. It was a blessing that I was obedient to my celibacy. The blessing in this situation was that he left me alone and left room for the real men to put in their applications. Its hard and I don't have the luxury of being ignorant or stupid to this line of game but God will bless me as long as I stay the course... and stay in my lane.

New and nervous...

This is still new for me. I know that my thoughts cant really be appropriately expressed on Facebook statuses... LOL

I only want to live my life to the best of my ability. Im interested in being better and better... and sharing what Im learning along the way. This will get rather personal a lot of the time. I can be way more personal here so I hope no one is offended or upset. Then again, go express that on youre own blog.

Im not perfect. I curse when Im angry which a woman of God shouldnt do but Im human and trying my best to stop... LOL

Well, thus starts my journey and my journal of the journey. I pray you guys come along...