The hardest thing....

The most difficult part of having friends is that sometimes you outgrow them. Im at a point in this life that God is moving me to be in a position of receiving my destiny. However, Im having issues with being able to make decisions because of how my friends will feel about them. Dont misunderstand, Im not one to lean to anyone else's understanding but its not my goal to hurt or cause misunderstanding. In every life there are times that you have to redefine your paradigm of living. When things get too uncomfortable for you in the way you lead your life, you have to move. Im going through this now.
Pain doesnt cover what I feel. I love them, trusted them, and would have gladly done my best to move heaven and earth for them until I realized that I was doing it for them and not for God.I had to regroup, repriortize and redo and what came out in the wash shocked me.
For years, my trust for advice and guidance came from my friends. Leaning on God was never in the forefront because I leaned entirely on my friends. Trusting the judgment of someone who isnt under the influence of God can land you in the worst of hot water.
I spent a whole day alone with God and finally understand what He needed from me in the first place. Trust... reckless abandon kind of trust. I needed to change my own mind about who had my best interest at heart. God knows everything about me, how could I not believe Him over man?
The Bible says in Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you: I ordained you a prophet to the nations"
He knows me better than any friend ever could. He put me here for a purpose and there are times when purpose can overwhelm friendships.
Im at a point of transition. Its so painful! But, all growth is... I have to trust God. Its not hard to trust God, its hard for me to get my life in the order he's ordained...
This is the hardest thing Ive ever done...

In Progress...

Eventually, Im going to start taking pics of me and my moods and posting them here. I keep procrastinating about it because I have more fun finding pics online that convey my moods. But, Im a work in progress... :)

Life can be so amazing when you trust God enough to let go, trust your friends enough to hold on, trust your heart to hold you down, and trust your Spirit to hold you up. Breathe, trust, and believe... Life is the miracle we make it.
~Tonda

I try hard...

I try really hard. I try hard to keep my distance. I keep trying to keep my heart out of equations but I think Ive finally learned that its not going to happen. More than one situation lately has shown me that I dont have a choice.
My ex-boyfriend used to call me "Bathwater" or "Bath" because whoever was in my presence was washed in my warmth and my heart. He said that there was no place that I didnt touch him or that he didnt feel me when I was in love with him. When I wasnt, he told me it felt exactly like the time directly when you come out of the bath, freezing and uncomfortable. He felt blocked from the heat when I was angry with him... but eventually, he got back to a place where he and I were "warm" again. He explained that people feel it physicallly when I withdraw and go to place to heal my heart after its been broken because even my broken heart is warmer than that freezing out.
For a long time, the analogy escaped me on all but the outside level. I guess I never really thought about it too long. I was brokenhearted at the time and I couldnt think of much else. I get what he means now.
I try not to envelope people too much because what Ive learned is that everyone doesnt deserve the priviledge of knowing you. I have to remember that actively because usually, Im happy to invite people in and some can be damaging and selfish.
I can be "Bath". I can be the warmth, acceptance, and love that is unjudging and selfless. However, Im going to change my decision making paradigm on who gets to see that warmth and love. Its a little too precious to leave in incapable hands...

Hello?

As a performer, I'm used to hearing people tell me how wonderful I sound. While I'm not arrogant, I've grown used to peoples reactions when I open my mouth to give back what God gave me. As a fashionista, I'm also used to people loving my outfits, hair, shoes, whatever. If I love it, I'm going to do it but I'm doubly excited when others love it as much as me.
As a performer and a performers' ex-girlfriend, I understand putting your heart in what you love, what God has gifted you and not having others appreciate or understand all the time. I understand the triumphs and the crashes. I'm safeguarded in Christ because with Him, if you're moving in your purpose, there's no crash. Ain't nobody or nothing to crash into. But, I digress...
What hurts the most as a performer, no matter what you do, is when the people you love don't "see" you. I think its true for anyone. When your efforts aren't recognized, you can start to doubt yourself. You struggle to find the balance between the nameless droves that love the "you" on the stage and the person you love that doesn't see you. Its heartbreaking. Its like drowning. You struggle with all your might to keep your head above water and the person you love is sitting on the shore stoicly staring but not helping. (That's the dream I had last night.)
Here's why I don't care about people or my special him "seeing" me anymore: God sees me. God always sees me. He never looks away, never has plans that are more important than watching over me. Instead of applause, He blesses me. Nothing else to me matters. When I sing, I sing for great masses of audiences but, in my heart, I'm singing to an audience of One. The One...

Sensitivity...

I was pissed this week. I worked my tail off to do everything for everyone else, or so it seemed. I was drained dry, exhausted, and pulled off getting good grades on my finals. Did anyone care? NO!!! I was hurt that no one gave a damn…. Then I had to remember that I didn’t do it for anyone else to care about what I did or didn’t do. I had to remember that my life is a testament to me and God… who care what anyone else thinks about how good or bad I did…. I forget sometimes that I do this for that little boy and that’s it…. Im proud of me.

Focus...

It's not easy to focus when youre distracted by things out of your control. My daydreams get in my way quite a bit… LOL. I have lots of dreams and daydreaming, while distracting, keeps me in touch with them.
I think too much. I have the kind of brain that moves exceptionally quick. Im at the end when everyone else is still getting the jist of what to do. I can rarely keep up with my thoughts which is why I love my laptop and new phone so much. Im never without the time to jot down my thoughts, ideas, dreams, stories, and what God tells me in whispers. In most instances, Im at the deep end of the thinking pool whereas most people try to keep it simple in the shallow end of things. Sometimes its good to know how to swim there but in the deep end, it’s a lot easier to drown.
The difficulty lies in trying to discern it all; what means what and what means not a whole lot. I can rarely do it alone and I need serious and steadfast divine intervention. I try not to put myself on those "thinking" roads that will lead me to negative thinking or negative actions but my brain travels faster than the speed of light. Its rare that I can stop myself unless I call on God before Im too far down that proverbial road of destruction.
All this is said to say that while people may seem to have it all together on the outside, a more likely case is that theyre just a junky mess of tangles and stuff-to-do's just like I am.
For some twisted reason, that makes me feel better… :)